No one right way

I have often, over the course of the past few months, found myself conflicted. I would wonder if I was making the right choices. The choices varied, but I guess the easiest way to unify them is to say they were mainly purchasing decisions.

I have started being more aware of the way my choices as a consumer affect the world at large, and as a result, wondering at every step whether I should be making my consumer choices differently. Should I be buying more produce at the farmer's market? Should I go thrifting more? Should I frequent Craigslist?

My roommate has a thing for antiques and restoring furniture. She peruses Craislist and frequents the Habitat for Humanity ReStore in town, finds promising pieces, and typically refinishes them to make them amazing. My other roommate (who just moved out) was into a similar hobby, though in a slightly different style. She also managed to find amazing things on Craigslist.  I totally admire and slightly envy their talent at this. It's an idea I can get behind.

My parents house is furnished with a combination of mismatched Target/Walmart bookshelves, furniture they got secondhand when my dad was a grad student (kitchen table and chairs, nice wood desk, nice wood chest of drawers, my dad's metal office desk).  The secondhand pieces are actually quite nice, but they've never been restored, updated, or fixed, except for the kitchen chairs, which my mom reupholstered a few times. Point is, most of those decisions were made based on utility on a tight budget and not appearances or style of any kind. Which I totally respect, also; raising a family of 4-5 on a grad student stipend and a postdoc salary would not be an easy task! 

So, between these two mindsets, one that I grew up with and one that I have been living around, and both of which I respect (choose high quality but used and restore it vs choose low quality but cheap and take care of it), when it came time to buy additional furniture for my new room, I found myself having issues.

I felt guilty when I didn't like anything on Craigslist or at the ReStore.  I felt guilty when I did not like any of the cheaper options ($15 black bookshelf from Target, $100 metal futon). But what it came down to, for me, was that I wanted what I wanted, within reason. Frankly, if I couldn't find options that fit within a reasonable budget, I would probably have done without rather than get what I didn't like for utility alone.

I'm not on as tight a budget as my parents were. And now, when they are on a budget with more wiggle room, they are starting to get nicer things.  Furthermore, I think I'm bothered more by things that look mismatched. On the other hand, I'm not as interested in tracking down deals or vintage items as my roommates.  Carefully handled particleboard can last for years and years, as we have found, and I currently have too many projects lying around unfinished to add more to that queue, as much as it would be fun to work on some furniture. It's just too much effort for the satisfaction I would get; it would be more productive to fix my bike  (which I still plan to do, instead of buying one, or before buying one, at any rate).

So, the upshot of ALL this? I need to remember that there's more than one way to make any decision, and what's right for my friends may not be right for me.  This goes for more than just buying choices. Same goes for planning a work/study/workout schedule, choosing a diet plan and how to stick with it, etc. I feel like people are always advocating their systems and their values, and as much as those make sense to me and I can respect them, that doesn't mean they are right for me. Even the values I was brought up with.

84.6 miles: My feminism

I suppose feminism is an actual philosophy; perhaps one that's evolved over time, but basically one that has a set philosophy or agenda. I haven't really looked it up. Rather, I've kind of developed the impression that almost every woman has her own idea of feminism now; the once fairly unified movement has diverged into a range of views that vary based on her individual experiences. In fact, I would like to retroactively include men in that statement, also.  So, with that disclaimer, I don't claim this to be true feminism or anything. I claim this to be my philosophy when it comes to women's rights and responsibilities, justice, equality, family, and all that jazz.

Primarily and fundamentally, my feminist viewpoint is that it (feminism, or being a feminist) is about CHOICE above all.  The freedom to make an individual choice about how your life will proceed.  It's a movement against fitting people into societal niches, particularly based on tradition and traditional gender roles.  I find that the movement as a whole would be pointless if we went from 'all women should stay at home and be mothers and homemakers' to 'all women should be working on careers.'  Furthermore, it is hypocritical for women to demand supposed 'equality' and yet continue to hold men to the same (or harsher) standard as before. It needs to be acknowledged that being viewed as the 'frailer' and 'more maternal' sex did and still does have certain perks. One of the most heartbreaking? The issue of father's rights.

Brief sidetrack: one of the few legitimate complaints I've heard from guys about feminism relates to the fact that the courts (and "the system") if you will, are still heavily skewed toward women when it comes to divorce, child custody, etc. Furthermore, the feminist view on abortion (pro-choice) tends to completely disregard the potential interest(s) of the father; the choice is considered to be entirely the mother's.  Basically, we stereotype men as money-earning (or on the flip side, shamefully deadbeat) machines that don't (or shouldn't) care the slightest about their kids (except, of course, as a drain on resources).  I admit, I know, in my generation, only three (unmarried or divorced) fathers. Only one is remotely close to this. The other two (at least when it comes to their kid(s)) are incredibly conscientious.  Some statistics support my experience: http://deltabravo.net/custody/stats.php .  (Incidentally, here's hoping my sample does not expand too much in the future, I don't really want any friends going through this...).  So my point is, a true feminist ought to see the injustice here and ought to be opposed to such practices.

In the abortion question, the question is a truly sensitive one...what if he (for whatever reason, i.e. personal, religious, moral) wants to keep the baby and she does not? And if we allow the man to have a call in this situation, how do we keep him from abusing that right to 'punish' the woman by forcing her through the pregnancy and then abandoning her and the child?  If the mother has the choice to abort the baby and give up the responsibilities it entails, why do we hold the father to fiscal responsibility for the child without giving him a choice? How is that fair?  Like I said, it is a delicate situation where many possible outcomes need to be foreseen.  I don't claim to have answers, but I know that the current system is not working, in the most unfortunate way.

So, back to the subject: true equality isn't about completely equal earnings and equal pay and equal everything. It's about equal CHOICES and opportunities. It's about being able to choose family or career or both no matter what sex you are. To make the right choice for your family based on your situation and not be harshly judged for it. That means removing the stigma from stay at home dads. That means taking turns paying for dates. That means not insisting that 'men' (because I am generalizing) be high earners or buy diamond rings or do whatever, but  finding the man (or woman) that best fits you and your lifestyle and the kind of partnership you want to have.

There are still men who want a homemaker wife. And for that matter, there are still women that want to be homemakers, who are prepared for 'mother' being their most important 'career.'  There is nothing wrong with that.  There may be couples who are both interested in working. Or where the woman is more career-oriented. I realize I am being hetero-centric here, and yes, I don't have to be. This all applies equally to gay and lesbian couples; but then, they already realize this, by necessity ;) .  I would even expand that idea of choice to say we shouldn't need to restrict marriage or family to one- or two-parent arrangements. But that's a whole other can of worms.

Moving on. It is my personal belief that the search for absolute 'equality' is doomed. Men and women, on a biological level, are not organized the same way.  However, I believe (I see, in my day-to-day life) the variance between people in terms of all character and physical traits--aptitude in mathematics or communication, athleticism and strength, stoicism, neatness, etc. all vary more between individuals than between sexes. Not to mention some of that variance is related to upbringing rather than genetics.  So again, we need to stray away from 'all men are this' and 'all women are that' thinking. Maybe we'll end up with 30% women in Mechanical Engineering...or 40% or 20%...or 60%!  Regardless, if all women feel free to choose any career and know they will be respected for their skill in it, a cultural victory will have been achieved. A victory of choice.

I should amend that. Women (and men) should be free to choose the lifestyle they want that meshes with their upbringing without judgement; this includes religious lifestyles that stress male dominance, as much as I personally think those are harmful to individuals and the society.  If this sounds contradictory...my view, again, promotes choice of lifestyle.  If someone is brought up a certain way with certain views (on morality, family, etc), then that may be the lifestyle they are comfortable and happy with, so I cannot convince myself that it is right for me to exclude that choice among others for them if their choices do not actively affect me.

That last was important: Forcing one's views on another, e.g. legislatively, or through violent, extremist, offensive actions, is not 'freedom of' anything.  It is impinging on freedom.  It is the opposite.  Taking away others' choices is the only invalid choice. 

I don't think that was a complete philosophy, but probably enough for today, because I need to go home eventually. I'd like to hear what others think of this and have my views challenged; it'll help me further refine them! :)

77.8 miles: Junk and Gourmet

So, I was contemplating a conversation with someone about music today, and realized that I have an interesting ability to appreciate junk as well as gourmet offerings in a number of areas.

An obvious one is food. I love a refined palette of flavors on my plate. Sushi, aioli, prosciutto, arugula...probably not at the same time, but good, tasteful ingredients thoughtfully combined make very tasty food. And yet on the flip side I have the occasional craving for a fast-food cheeseburger and fries, potato chips, gummy bears, pizza.  That isn't to say either (or both) of these categories are my whole diet. Most of what I eat falls in-between: a few sliced tomatoes with onions, salt, and sunflower oil, or mozzarella, basil, and olive oil. PB&J on whole wheat with natural PB (peanuts & salt) and redcurrant jelly. A colorful beef stir-fry with carrots, onions, bell peppers, and snow peas. A roast chicken to eat for a week. Greek yogurt with a little strawberry jam for flavor.  Everyday, affordable (mostly) ingredients combined in quick ways that still make tasteful food.  But when it comes to treats, I can take the high road and go for sushi or the low road and grab a greasy burger, and either will be delicious.

Same goes for movies. I can appreciate a deep, thoughtful, artistic film. And the next day I'll watch a mind-numbing teen chick flick. In music, I can appreciate a talented artist who writes good lyrics and puts them to an appropriate, creative tune. Or I can appreciate a catchy, redundant song that nevertheless has lots of feel-good quality to it.  I'll never call it good music, but it will probably end up on my workout playlist. Music is actually interesting because I'll feel a lot less appreciation for mediocre music...that's neither truly good nor catchy-bad. Then again, my tastes in music are mysterious and varied....

In books, I clearly like thoughtful, intricate, and/or original writing...recently, of course, Name of the Wind captured my imagination. Not a particularly original story in most senses, but beautifully crafted (it has its original moments...I like his concept of dragons).  George RR Martin, of course, cannot be beat for intricacy in Song of Ice and Fire. Most recently, I've been re-reading and continuing to read Earth's Children by Jean M. Auel.  While at times boring with multiple descriptions of the ice age setting, I know of no other author who writes about that time period, particularly with so much archeological accuracy.  This isn't limited to adult books: I find beauty in the classic Peter Pan, in the thoughtful but almost universally accessible Harry Potter.  I love Diana Wynne Jones for her artful characters and the bizzare circumstances she crafted to bring them together.  Yet at the same time, I've made it through Twilight (only the first and before it was popular, I was unimpressed), a number of Sarah Dessen books, The Princess Diaries, and many others. I'm not including Tamora Pierce, as her books are 'comfort food for my brain' and probably affected my ideology more than I'd care to admit. But in retrospect, many of the other books weren't particularly good in any way that usually matters.  But the plot, and the character's naive and simplistic problems...these things are like a catchy tune. They draw you in against your better judgement (or mine, anyway).  Granted, when I do get hooked on one of these books, I finish it in a matter of hours and feel good. Relaxed. Sastisfied that I found out what happened; most of the satisfaction of finishing a book in 1/4 the time! So maybe not such a waste of time after all.


So the point of all this? I think definitions of good or bad are very screwy in categories like the above.  They can simply be satisfying in different ways. And ultimately, it is prudent...no, convenient to live the middle ground and experience everything available.  You are not restricted by "OMG I can never eat that!" or "This is dumb!" but instead are able to find good things about every experience.  Now, I say convenient because as I read once, "You can like what you choose, but you can't choose what you like."* Some kinds of food, or music, or literature may grate on your nerves or make you fall asleep. I hate beans, squashes and eggplant. I fall asleep to most classical music. I can't stand movie sets that look marginally fake (Edward Scissorhands comes to mind) as opposed to very realistic or even obviously fake (e.g. Peter Pan, 2003).  I did not like reading Thomas Hardy, or Shakesperean tragedies, or any Russian classics I've tried.  I'm a huge supporter of "you can't choose what you like."

I guess that's my ultimate point: we don't choose what we like.  We have to make peace with our likes and dislikes, figure out and accept the value they are providing to us.  And of course, in spite of all my jesting to the contrary, no judging others based on these things, either!

Self-Motivation

Today, I found myself wondering whether there were really any self-motivated people out there.  It went kind of like this:

I wish I was self-motivated, but I'm not. I'm motivated by assignments and deadlines from my advisor, opinions of and pressure from my peers and friends, the expectations and hopes of my parents and family. When I drop the ball repeatedly, I feel like I am letting all or many of these people down.  Perhaps that strong sense of needing to live up to the expectations and to be well-thought of is internal, but ultimately without those external people, the motivation would be very low.

I suspect that my advisor, in turn, is motivated by pressures from her colleagues and bosses. She is probably motivated by expectations from her students, as well. If she's teaching a class, we expect her to come in prepared to lecture, to give us assignments and test our knowledge at the end. Slight variations are justifiable, but too far out of line and we will complain that we learned nothing. We also expect a certain degree of guidance and help in our research.  She is in meetings and on committees with other faculty that expect her contributions in other areas.

Similar chains of influence would continue up to the university president (or analogously, a company CEO, for example). These high ranking individuals, in turn, are probably driven largely by the needs and expectations of their subordinates on a day-to-day basis. I have little understanding of what kinds of activities occupy their days, but I surmise lots of meetings and correspondence are involved, and their presence as a figurehead and a decision-maker are required--again, much of the day-to-day motivation is external.

So, I guess I don't see where self-motivation occurs in the work setting. Or am I missing something?

After thinking through all that I turned to something else where motivation is apparent--hobbies.

Many people (myself included) have more of a tendency to start projects than to finish them. Perhaps, the ones that finish (more) projects are the more self-motivated? Perhaps it is the ability to carve out time for the one or two things that are truly interesting to you while tuning out the external influences that is a better definition of motivation? Still working on it, for myself.

63.7 miles: Watching paint dry...plus blog redirection.

Hello all! I am watching paint dry. This is my job. Actually, I tried to pawn it off on a lab undergrad, but he had to go to class. :\ And the other undergrad I could/was going to pawn it off to is off with one of the other students on his usual project. So...I'm wasting my time. *ahem* I mean using, productively :D

I'm actually pretty happy with how research has been moving this week. Construction of the test section went slower than I expected (omg, how surprising, in research--sidenote: most things go slower than expected, in my experience, they take between 2 and 7 times as long as planned...) but at least at the end of every day I felt the need to shower, put a bandaid on each new blister/scratch/cut/gaping wound (j/k), and proudly declare: I did something today! ;)

In other news, the positivity project has largely worked, so I'm largely scrapping that idea (I may come back to it when I feel particularly crappy about my day and need to find good things about it). Generally, though I am focusing on more good things in my life lately, either because of the positivity project or just because, I don't know.

Instead, YLEDO is going to be come a .... TRAVEL BLOG! With PICTURES (I hope)! I'm going to Russia for a month, so I hope to document what I am doing for all you readers to experience. It's interesting, as it's my first trip overseas 'alone' and although I'm going to my 'home' country, it really feels more like a vacation to a foreign land. Granted, I know the language, but not the customs, so it's like going to Britain or Australia. I'll be able to interact, but I'll stand out like a sore thumb anyway (I think). But I guess now instead of saying "I live in the US," I can at least say "I study in the US" and not feel like as much of a foreigner. Because Russian students go abroad all the time, right?

Anyway, look for long detailed posts in the near future as I have few things to do. As well as suggestions for things to do/see/visit.

From (Champaign, for now) with love, GS

59.7 miles: The Positivity Project

So...while some of my friends and readers may be convinced that overall I'm a pretty positive person, I feel like lately anytime I'm asked "what's up" or "how was your day" I focus on something negative and/or find a "but" in an overall positive event. This sucks, in part because it's a vicious cycle (the more I focus on the negative the more I get myself down, the more I see negative things, etc) Therefore, it needs to stop. To help myself stop, for an undefined (as yet) period of time, I will be posting at least one positive thing per day [I might not post every day, but I'll find something positive to say about each missed day.] To start, I will (positively) answer three questions on everyone's mind:

What's been up lately (last week)?

1) KL came to visit!

2) I got to play hands and feet!

3) I took a nap! (Several, actually.)

4) I cleaned my room/did laundry/went grocery shopping!

How was your weekend?

1) I saw Green Lantern, which was fun.

2) I got 5 new (used) books at the library.

3) I replenished my black tea supply.

4) I ate an eclair from Pekara (and it was delicious!)

5) I enjoyed my freshly-cleaned room and my new books (and my TV).

How was your day?

1) I woke up to find a small dog following me around the kitchen. He was cute. I later found out his name was Spiderman.

2) I went for a 2.7 mile run in spite of skipping almost 2 weeks (le gasp!).

3) My almost-no-battery MP3 player survived the entire 40 minute run!

39.7 miles: How I lost my faith in humanity...and gained it back again.

So, I was sitting at Corner Bakery in Union Station today on my layover between Megabus and Metra, and I witnessed an appalling scene. Well, actually, I'm judging based on only partial information here, but I think my assessment was fairly accurate in this case. When the commotion ensued, I looked over and a middle-aged guy with a backpacking-backpack and 2 other bags was trying to sit down at a table (I'd say next to mine, but that would be redundant as the seating area is tiny). The problem? He had put down one of his bags in an empty chair at another table. The table (for 4) was occupied by a Cubs fan and his two lady friends. I didn't hear the first comment (by Cubs fan, henceforth A-hole), but I suspect it was rude. The middle aged guy (henceforth: Backpacker), responded akin to "I'm sorry, I just need to sit down to use the internet.") I again missed A-hole's next comment, but Backpacker removed his bag from the seat, asking "You would call the police if I leave my bag there?" incredulously. To which A-hole responded "Not only would I call the police, I would f**k you up!" (Censorship added). What followed was a back-and-forth with Backpacker feeling he was "threatened" and that "we don't treat people like that here," and "this is a public place!" and A-hole using words like "pussy" to describe Backpacker. The only reasonable sentiment came from one of the ladies, who at one point wisely suggested that "Ohmigod, everyone at this table needs to, like, shut up!"

Now, you have probably guessed that my sympathies lay with Backpacker; however, I actually feel that the situation was escalated and perpetuated by both parties. Sure, Backpacker probably set his stuff down without asking...but it was an empty chair and he was obviously overburdened (it was obvious if you saw him) and tired. Any (in my opinion) reasonable, decent human being, even if he/she was bothered by this, would have asked politely "Excuse me, would you mind moving your bag?" possibly after Backpacker sat down. Or "Excuse me, are you planning to move that in a second?" before he did. I'm guessing that A-hole's response was more akin to "What the hell, dude? Get your sh** out of here!" Backpacker, on the other hand, could have moved his stuff and kept his mouth shut instead of starting a moralistic lecture(it's like getting into internet arguments...see xkcd). No one wants to be told they're being rude by a stranger on the street (or in a train station).

So, that was the losing faith part. Made slightly worse by the fact that I felt terrible for Backpacker, but didn't want to get involved (perhaps wanted to see if they would figure it out on their own, which they did). I did give him a small smile as I left. And he thanked me for throwing my trash away o.O I only actually realized what it was he was thanking me for after I had practically left, so I couldn't even brush it off properly. So, the experience seemed somewhat incomplete on my end, having not given him reassurance of my siding with him there.

Fortunately, on the next leg of my journey I was in a Metra car with a couple with a baby (maybe 8 mos old?). They were all, collectively, adorable (and the baby independently adorable as well, of course). Furthermore, when the conductor came by, she got distracted by their baby and accidentally punched the 10-ride pass twice instead of once like they wanted/needed. They pointed this out, and she was immediately super-apologetic, started thinking of ways to fix it, and ended up writing a note on the ticket as well as giving them her phone number in case they had trouble with it, even though (according to her) they shouldn't. Furthermore, as she was doing this, the couple got slightly flustered and started saying that it was fine, no big deal, etc. Which is the part that restored my faith in people :D Because sometimes not making a fuss over a few dollars is just easier on everyone. Still, the conductor had already figured it out so she wrote them a note, reasoning that "a ride is a ride." Points for righteous business practices/customer service people. :D Further restoring my faith in humanity.

Incidentally, I currently have a pretty terrible opinion of Cubs fans.

23.5 miles: The Survival Motivator

I've been coming up with a post regarding motivation, depression, and our role in society, but it kept turning out all-encompassing and too big, so here's the smallest part of it....it's about something I call the survival motivator.

The crux of it is this: my generation* (myself included), generally lacks the strong drive and work ethic that was present in previous generations, because we don't need to develop it to survive**. We have the luxury of wondering if we're doing the right thing with our lives, because we're not cranking through 12 hour jobs just to stay afloat. We have choices. And ironically enough, having those options (along with expectations and pressure to choose the right ones) is ultimately getting us down, getting in the way of us building stable, developed careers and lives. We either wonder if we're doing the right thing, or push off doing it, and in the process, nothing gets done!

[*and by "my generation" I really mean 'middle class, developed world']

[**and by "survive" I really mean, maintain a personally acceptable standard of living]

Exhibit A: a student in the 1970's didn't have the internet. To write a 5 page paper on [insert subject], he or she would have had to go to the library to look up the material in books and articles. Perhaps, the correct material would not be available, then a book would need to be ordered from another library. Furthermore, typing their paper up would require several drafts, each of which would have to be retyped. A student in the 1970's did not have the option of procrastinating on his/her paper until the night before and downloading a dozen articles from the online database. Or at least, I imagine this is how it was, seeing as I know no one who went to school back then in the US. Maybe research papers were shorter, or less thorough results were required, but I seriously doubt the difference was as significant as the advantage technology gives us today. So the crux of it is: in order to survive (pass), the student would have to put in a much greater degree of effort and organization than we have to today. Which is baloney, and part of grade inflation. But I won't get into that now...but why is it that with so many more tools at our disposal we are not producing work at a significantly higher standard?

Exhibit B: An immigrant worker who works 16 hour days probably does not do it for enjoyment. I would bet it s a matter of survival. I also doubt he spends lots of time lamenting the situation of having to do this work to survive. Perhaps passively envying those that don't, like, "Hey, that would be nice," but not actively going "Why am I here? Is this the right career move? Am I happy with what this job is giving me?" It's just cut and dry in that situation.

Exhibit C: I feel like I was much more motivated before I got my greencard. It's bizzare. Unfathomable. It actually makes sense from the survival standpoint. For me in undergrad, survival meant, being able to stay in the US where all my friends were and not living in a box. To accomplish both, I needed to excel academically and build a work history to make myself extremely employable in spite of my international status when I got out of college. Being a girl helped. Being in engineering helped (always need engineers!). But good grades and extracurriculars and research and tutoring were all of tantamount importance as well (or at least, such was my perception). No one can fault you if you're the best; no one can deny you if you're the best. Someone has to give you a chance.

Then in senior year I got my greencard. It was great. I was excited. Then things went back to normal; I applied to graduate schools, did homework, designed design projects, went to work...but a strange thing started happening. I didn't want to work on making myself more employable after college. I wanted to go to summer camp and relaxwork and explore another side of myself and work on my health...all sorts of BS. I had that luxury now. I could try a job outside my field. I could explore. I could waste a little time. I didn't have to be the most employable engineer out there (especially going into grad school...).

I've never quite shaken that feeling...that it's not crucial anymore. That nothing is the end of the world. That things can be allowed to slide. Which is great and all, but leaves me grasping for a new way to motivate myself to do things besides overwhelming guilt that I should, because I'm capable of it and I have the resources, etc.

It's a type of focus that I end up lacking; the sense that I'm on a path and it's a good path and it's the only path and I need to stay on it. There's so many other paths available maybe one of them is better! I know for a fact I'm not the only one; I hear similar problems from my friends every day. But I know there are people out there who don't have this problem. People who are fighting for survival, taking what they can get, and finding joy in the simple things. Sure they have ups and downs, but they don't fill their heads with existential nonsense. "Why am I this person? Why do I have these flaws?" has about as much value in that setting as "Why does the universe exist? Why are its laws such as they are?" Even if you determine an answer, there's not much you can do to change it.

As Strugatzkie once said, "Трудно быть богом." [It's hard to be a god.]

{Disclaimer: I can see it coming "I'm sure the person hiding in a ditch, staring up at the guerrilla mobster who just shot their wife and children is very satisfied with their life." Which is really not what I'm getting at. I'm getting at Pioneers, who worked their asses off, but probably still had fun and less existential crises because everyone was a farmer and they couldn't just quit and get a new job any ole time because their families had to eat. I'm getting at people who moved their families to another country, and had to succeed because they'd already put everything they had into this move. I guess ultimately I'm saying we should all be grateful for the easy lives we have, get our collective noses back to the grindstone, and see if we can't further revolutionize our world. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to Facebook while I Google, and then get 3 hours of sleep.}

10.1 miles: Know Thyself or My Life is Like a Zillion-page Paper

I've read a lot of advice columns, blogs, and lists; and went to a couple talks, regarding creating systems for doing the things you wish you did, but never seem to be able to establish in your life. I've tried some of them.

There's writing things down. There's doing things at the same time every day. There's not missing more than (1, 2, 3) days in a row. There's doing things first thing in the morning. There's doing things in a class or group or with a buddy. There's starting out slow. There's starting out fast. There's eliminating 'bad' things entirely; there's giving yourself small treats. Some advice is contradictory. Some is centered on morning people. None of it ever seemed to work for me...

This 1000 mile challenge is working wonders so far...so, why? Why am I excited about this, instead of resigned (which I was every other time a workout plan remotely worked for me?) Here's my theory.

I realized earlier this year that the usual time-management and organization advice, to create a schedule and a routine, doesn't work for me. I've never liked schedules...they make me want to rebel against them. Well, that's not entirely true. I like having a few things in my schedule that relate to other people...class, lab meeting, coffee date, delivering drawings to the machine shop; they get me out of bed in the morning. The reason for me to be there, then, is largely that others expect my presence.

On the other hand, when it comes to individual tasks, I need enough time to be flexible, to make mistakes and to catch up. At the same time, I need to feel crunched...crunch time for homework begins 2 days before the due date (flexible depending on class). Crunch time for a paper or presentation begins a week before. Crunch time for running 1000 miles begins...now! A better analogy is actually that running 1000 miles in a year is like a whole semester of class; one week, or one assignment, can be made up by performance on other weeks or assignments. The difference is that I know I can do an assignment passably in 2 days or write a paper in a week. It usually involves several continuous hours each day, though. I am equally aware that I can't run several continuous hours in a row.

So, where does that leave me? I can't measure my exercise in minutes per day, or even miles per day. I can't measure my process. By the same token, I can't measure a side effect; I can't measure my health in pounds, or by how many pounds I can lift... I need a task. I need a challenge. I need to run 1000 miles. I need to climb 10,000 feet. I need to accomplish something.

I think this is important to know about myself; about how I can motivate myself. Now to figure out how this applies. Hmmm... :)

The Good, the Bad, and the Difficult.

Sorry, Z, you got me thinking. Feel free to ignore the existence of this post. That goes for everyone, actually; it's really stream-of-consciousness and may not be exceptionally readable like the rest of my posts ;P.

I recently tweeted that bad days and weeks just happen but good weeks take a crapload of work to make happen. I don't mean weeks when it's your birthday and you win the lottery. I mean, the kinds of weeks when you finish enough of what's on your plate that you can feel satisfied in yourself. I'd say "you get everything done," but when does that ever happen? Never happens to me. Let's face it, our days of absolute freedom ended when we started school (or for some of us, even earlier). So, I don't necessarily classify a good week as one that is relaxing, or where I'm free to do whatever I want. I classify it as a week I am satisfied with because I accomplished what I set out to do...and if it's a vacation week, that something will most likely be relaxation, but otherwise, it probably won't.

A bad week is when I don't accomplish things. It may be because I was sick, or emotionally distraught, or like last week, when things just fall from my hands and turn sideways and go crooked and...you know the type. When you can't seem to do anything right. For some reason, those times cluster together. Generally, if there was no apparent reason for my bad week, I'll get fed up during it and make the next week a good one through sheer willpower. If there was, I still endeavor to make the next week good, because the bad week is over and I can (and should) move on.

So, now that a good and a bad week has been defined, what makes a good month? I find, my months are typically mediocre. Which I, out of optimism, classify as pretty good. There's usually a cycle with one extra good week, one bad week, and two so-so weeks. However, if something AWESOME happened (like a birthday, a holiday, a breakthrough in research, getting awesome semester grades, winning the lottery, etc), then it's a great month! If something awful happened (got disappointing/dangerous (for plans) grades, got hurt, got life-changing medical diagnosis, or worse...) then it was a bad month. It's kind of a rarity that awesome and awful things happen in the same month. If they do, it is classified as 'emotional turmoil'. Also, April has it in for me, particularly in the romance department.

Now, what about years. I think years are too long to slap a label on honestly. Like, last year, I have no idea how to classify. Some awesome things happened: I graduated college summa cum laude, I had a fantastic summer job, I became financially independent, got a credit card, became confident in my driving skills, met my roommates (:)). On the other thing, awful things happened. I suffered two losses in my family...one grandparent I was close to and one grandparent I wish I was closer to. Not only that, but I couldn't even be there for the rest of my family during this time except with the occasional phone call (well, if I had felt it would have helped, I could have...but there was next to nothing I could do). There's really not much to follow that, but they were dark days when I was heavy-hearted...and I feel the repercussions every couple of days. The final group is events that were ambiguous...bad but good too, or good then bad then good, or good then bad but better and soon will be good....

Now I clarify. In March I got diagnosed with PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It meant my metabolism and my hormones were screwy (liking the technical talk here?). On the one hand, it is a lifelong diagnosis that could affect my chances of having children. On the other, it was a serious warning that I need to seriously change my habits. Changing even a few of those took me a year. But it made me realize that this sort of change comes slowly; a very important lesson that keeps my motivation from getting sapped when I think about health and fitness now. Also, made me realize that it's not an all or nothing game, that being "half-healthy" is better than not at all. I'm also paying lots more attention to my body now, which is very good.

Another case of the ambivalent event was starting graduate school. Being accepted and offered a fantastic fellowship at U of I was awesome and a time of great pride for me, but once I actually got here, all the changes in my life seriously tripped me up. I honestly didn't feel like myself until November, when I got my hair cut and felt like I woke up from a long dream. Then I had my first good week all school year. :) After that, it still fluctuated a lot, but I had regained my faith that I can handle things and that good times are ahead. And of course, grad school will probably benefit my career significantly in the end, so let's call it a good thing in the long run. :)

Last example of ambivalent events is finding out that my family is moving to California. I'm happy because it simplifies my holiday plans significantly. However, I had been looking forward to having them nearby for at least a few more years. It's not fear or uncertainty at this point...just that I enjoy their company immensely; just because I love my family and love having them nearby does not mean I am in some way dependent on them. However, they haven't moved away yet, so I'm not sure I can really count this; although finding out had a major emotional impact.

All these ambivalent events I classify as "difficult." Things that were (or still are) hard to deal with, but that became valuable experiences in retrospect (or I am certain will become such). Or in the case of my diagnosis, it was a relief to know what was going on. I consider sleep deprivation-type busyness to be "difficult." I hate it, but it's educational and also means I'm busy enough that I have no time to sit around wondering if I'm being lazy or if I should be doing something I don't know about. (This happened at the beginning of the school year, sort of.)

So, my prognosis for the future? I think most years since middle school have been, are, and will continue to be overall 'difficult.' There is always stress galore, always bad things that drop down on us like lightning bolts and good things that are mostly earned through the aforementioned stress and accompanying work. Sometimes, fantastic things you never expected will suddenly happen--like meeting a fantastic person you fall in love with (and vice versa! important!), or being in the right place at the right time to take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

A year from Saturday, if I finish my 1000 mile challenge, I will be ecstatic, but this will be the result of work put in over the course of the year. Hopefully, I will be pleased with the results of the challenge (better physical fitness), long before that date...It will be a difficult year, but that does not mean it will be a bad one.

Myriad of thoughts

Hating the word 'healthy' as applied to food. 'Healthy' can be a person who is not sick or weak/sickly. I suppose 'healthy' can be a habit that is known to promote health: brushing your teeth, doing yoga, jogging, sleeping enough, spending time with friends and/or family, etc. I suppose a diet can be 'healthy;' one that supplies necessary energy and nutrients to allow the body to function at a high level. But a food...there is no superfood you could live off of forever by itself. You need meats for protein and iron and omega 3 and maybe even some fat to satiate you. You need plants--fruits and vegetables and mushrooms for fiber and vitamins and minerals. The list goes on. Everything we can eat, we probably need a little of...'Healthy' is about balance; and one food can't have balance by itself.

Had a really hard week, but really satisfied with the results. I got some data (I want to say a lot, but it's not quite true...still, more than before), I tried an independent idea, I went to two workshops (Time Management and Python Resources for Science and Engineering), I jogged twice, I had an hour-long and very productive conversation with my advisor regarding research, funding, and summer vacation (possibly a trip to Russia?). Spent 14 hour days on campus. Cooked for myself, maybe twice. Anyway. Made me think that the best, most satisfying weeks, are the ones where you do a lot of work and can be proud of yourself :).

When I was at home last weekend, my mom leaned back and hit her head on the doorjamb on accident. While she was wincing and rubbing it, I asked if I should "kiss it and make it better." She goes "sure." Then when I did it, she tells me in a shocked voice: "wow, that actually worked!" Apparently she had always thought it was a way to calm kids down when they weren't actually hurt, just asking for attention. Live and learn, I guess? Go placebos!

Anyway...I'm cold, I have hw, taxes, and an episode of FNL to finish :). Also, Avenue Q on Friday! *excitement*

"I want to not be afraid of the unknown."

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

~Tyra Collette, Friday Night Lights Season 3 Episode 13.

This was the last iteration of her college essay...her answer to the conversation below with her friend Landry:

Tyra: What, should I write about my trashy family, about the fact that my sister’s a stripper, or my mom is a high school drop out who drinks boxes of wine like it’s water? Or about the fact that I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, or the fact that my papa wasn’t around? How about that? Oh, I know what I should write about! The fact that up until two years ago I had enough hate in my heart to start a freaking car.
Landry: What changed?
Tyra: What?
Landry: You know, what changed from two years ago? Why, why did you stop having enough hate in your heart to start a freaking car?
Tyra: Jason Streep got paralyzed. (pause) I realized that he was this great guy, I mean like this hero, and it happened to him. And it, it made me realize that life isn’t fair for anybody. Not just me.
Landry: Alright, and what else?
Tyra: I don’t know, I became friends with Julie and Mrs Taylor started to take some interest in me. Started doing my homework. You. I met you. I started to feel like I was on the inside instead of the outside.

I know it's a movie that's expertly crafted to tug at heartstrings. But it's still...it's a good scene. I really like it. It moves me. That is all.

Early Weekend?

I had no time-related obligations this morning and had been on campus for 11 days straight (for various time frames), so around 9AM today I decided "not gonna push it." I might go in Sunday afternoon after I get back from a therapeutic weekend with Mom. I'm going in this afternoon as well, but only for ~2 hours before I catch my bus to go to see the family.

In between breakfast and packing and watching an episode of Castle, I googled "grad school depression." I'm not suicidal or anything, but my can't-seem-to-get-out-of-bed-and-start-the-day feelings sometimes make me wonder if I'm headed in a bad direction....Which may in fact be true, as I found the following from a blog in 2009:

...my class schedule seemed so light compared to the 12-hour days of class I used to put in during my undergrad, but something about the environment and the workload and the expectations and the looming deadlines combine to make me feel sometimes like I'm not cut out to be an adult. Or to do anything, really. Sunday nights, I get so anxious about starting the new week and all of the constant worry about my impossible to-do list that I just want to hide in my bedroom and not come out.

Strangely (or perhaps not), it is very soothing to know other people suffer the exact same problem! I'd highlight the parts of this that are particularly relevant, but it's hard to choose. The class schedule did seem light...though last semester it miraculously took up a majority of my days. Not sure how that happened. Not feeling like an adult. Feeling incompetent. Both true. Looking at 2nd and 3rd year grad students it seems like they've got it down...even my fellow first-year seems to have a much better grasp on it...I'm starting to think it's a learned skill, though, because (in spite of today) I am getting better about scheduling/time management/getting shit done. Finally, Sunday nights! I hate Sundays after 5PM with a burning passion! It's the end of a glorious period known as 'the weekend' and the next day you're expected to wake up early and go to campus and do groundbreaking research and homework and it all sort of gets to you.

Most of the suggestions I saw (all over the internet) were very apt: take care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise); spend time with people/develop relationships; find your passion and your love (you might be in the wrong place). Basically what I'm doing. So. I've really enjoyed my 4-hour vacation; now to pack up my stuff, go to campus, do some work and print some papers to read on the bus...

5 Steps Out of a Quarter Life Crisis

A Xanga post made me think on this...I think I've mentioned before that I've been in a omg-what-am-I-doing-am-I-even-good-enough-for-this-ahhh! state on and off since the beginning of the school year. And I'm not certain I can actually answer all the questions it entails. However, I have been taking steps that have made me feel much better about my situation. And here (some of them) are:

1) Talk about it. I've vented to at least 5 friends, and my mom. Each of them heard virtually the same story every couple of weeks...I kind of felt bad about it. Also certain thoughts/feelings took a while to breach because with friends and family you worry about how they see you. I've thought about going to the counseling center several times due mostly to these things: I didn't want to burden my friends and family with my emotions and I didn't want to seem weak. However, it seems that it has taken a turn for the better before I psyched myself up to do that, so I think I'll continue with friend-therapy. Perhaps make them cookies to make up for it. :)

2) Sleep. Eat. On a regular human schedule. These things have amazing effects on mood, productivity, outlook, energy levels, you name it. As a corollary, watch the vitamins (nutrient deficiencies can make you tired, who would have guessed?)

3) Do work. Sometimes you get into this mindset that you have all this shit to do, and you're not doing it, and you're a terrible person, and it just escalates into omg-why-am-I-even-alive?-ness. You know what? This is your run-of-the-mill temper-tantrum, adult-style. Kick yourself in the butt and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING that you would consider productive. Take an hour, but FINISH that homework problem without opening Facebook. You can cry. It's okay. You know what happens at the end though? You get this sense of accomplishment. Of conquering yourself (as well as the task at hand). And that builds on itself.

4) Develop or maintain your social structure. Make new friends--study groups, people you meet in the hallway, all of these are valid. There's a great feeling--something to do with being liked and being needed, perhaps--that comes from a new friendship :) Study groups also help get work done and give you perspective on where you stand.

5) Forgive yourself. This one was particularly hard for me...letting go of all those lazy evenings in front of the TV with a frozen pizza in hand. Sometimes, it's my willpower that needs a break, and that's what happens when it takes one. Breathe. Relax. Sleep in. Start the fight anew. :)

Real men (and women!)

I have been judging some of my friends on some of their qualities lately. It was bothering me. Why did it bother me that said (male) friend was uncomfortable with dirt? Or spiders? Or smells? Then it occurred to me, these qualities bother me in women just as much as men. The only difference is that society gives women a 'pass' when it comes to 'macho' qualities; just like men get a 'pass' when it comes to 'prissy' qualities. So, while I realize that this is one of those types of posts that shows up all the time, I feel I have a unique take on it, so here goes: What Real Men (and Women) Do!

By the by, this list is idealistic. No one can possibly have all of these qualities 100%. There are legitimate illnesses, phobias, etc. I'm talking about qualities that society has generally found admirable in men (or women) that women (or men) should also have.

Real men (and women!)

1) Control their emotions, within reason.

Men have traditionally been expected to be stoic. But the thing is, we as a society are so over women swooning and crying and fainting over everything. We're also (or at least we should be) over bitchy women going off the handle; same for men. You're an adult for goodness' sakes! Just be civil!

2) Do not fear.

Men do the dirty work around the house, crush bees and spiders in their bare hands, go camping for fun, and come home smelling like a week of sweat and dirt. Well, honestly? There's no reason women can't...and should, do the same things! Granted, I feel crushing insects is unsanitary and (in the case of bees) unsafe, so grab a tissue. But don't have 'the man in your life' do it for you, ladies! More fundamentally, as my mother taught me, there is nothing wrong with getting dirty as long as you get clean again when socially appropriate. Shower for an hour after a week camping, wash your hands after digging in the garden or fixing your bike (or car).

3) Take charge of their life.

Colleges no longer offer an MRS. degree. Even if you end up as a stay-at-home-mom, you should have a career. You should have interests. You should get an education (to whatever level is appropriate). Nothing is wrong with staying home with your kids for their formative years ; but even as a stay-at-home-mom, one should be striving to keep up with the state of their particular art. Every woman should be able to provide for herself if things with her man go south, or in any other contingency. Shit happens in life. No one should be powerless.

Real women (and men!)

4) Take care of themselves.

Shower. Brush teeth. Eat good, proper meals. Do all those things your mom reminded you to do until you moved out. There are men and women both that miss the mark on this one, but stereotypically it's men.

5) Develop and exercise taste.

XL stained white t-shirts when you're a size medium? Tasteless. As are grubby saggy jeans, torn up dirty sneakers, etc. Dirty anything, really. I'm not above a sweatshirt day once in a while (or even often), but when you're trying to impress someone, grubby doesn't cut it. Girls are known for 'cute outfits,' but guys have just as much responsibility for their appearance, demeanor, and vocabulary as girls do. They just get away with infractions much easier.

6) Cook and 'keep house.'

First of all, cooking is a life skill. It's like dressing yourself in the morning. Second, nothing is hotter than a guy with laundry detergent. Or a broom. This connects with the need for men and women to be in control of their lives; essentially, it comes down to being an independent, self-sufficient individual. Society doesn't need people that need to be taken care of.

So, that's my incomplete list of qualities we all need to have. :)

As Windows installs...

Had a strange episode last night...went to bed at 9PM due to headache, then woke up at 2AM. Brushed teeth, got a drink, went back to bed. Tried to get comfortable. Felt weird pains in various parts of my body. Got nervous. Couldn't fall asleep. Tossed and turned. :\ Finally, read a chapter in a book and calmed down. 4AM finally got back to sleep, but plans of waking up at 7 were foiled. Still nervous about how I felt during the night, I let myself sleep in until 10:30. Actually woke up around 10:15. Got to campus around 12:30. Spent virtually all day setting up my new computer :), while having an 'I overslept today' headache. Bah.

Maybe I needed that, though. Something crazy to break up the monotony of every day. That said it didn't make me feel terribly good.

I've started looking into personal training and metabolic rate analysis. It's probably worth it to remove the guesswork from my eating and workouts and really give me something to work toward. Also, a guiding hand would not be amiss. It's pricey...looks like with my current plan I can look forward to spending about $200 over the semester; $100 on the analysis and $100 on the training--around 5 meetings with a trainer. That's on top of the $50 unlimited class pass that I have already bought. Kind of a pricey endeavor, but if it helps, it's worth it. My health is worth it, after all.

Finished my first HW early, woot! And started the 2nd assignment the day it was assigned! Granted, I got stuck on the 2nd problem. I think tonight I'll skip it and go on to the later ones. Managing 2 classes is much easier than managing 5. or 4. or 3. Now, thesis research...*sigh*

I need to start reading more papers. I'm thinking about taking off early (say, on Mondays and Fridays?) and doing this in a pleasant atmosphere...MEL, coffee shop, library, my bed...etc. Perhaps this will be a motivator.

Overall, I would say things aren't going badly :)

More to life

I'm not judging today on productivity. I had a good day. I woke up decently, had a good breakfast, came to work, sent an important email, had my own lunch but went out for coffee & pita bread with friends (they were having lunch), had friends sit in my office for an hour talking about randomness :), installed new Inventor and the Autodesk simulation software (Algor) on my computer.

Cleaning out freezer and cabinets/reorganizing the kitchen with my roomies will probably be my most productive contribution to the world today. But it was pleasant :)

There's more to life than graduate school.

Resolutions: I'm getting better at waking up. I took an hour today, but was fully awake for about half of that. And I was slacking cuz it's Friday. Hope?

Resolution #2: Nix the snooze button.

Okay, I admit it. I just think there's too many things out of my control right now that I can't get up tomorrow and start a New Life. I don't know what's to blame for my lack of self control. Could be my upbringing, my diet, college, my friends (surely not!), or maybe, just maybe, it's my humanity. Thanks, Pat's-voice-of-reason-in-my-head.

So, I will resolve, this year, to make resolutions in sequence. When I accomplish one to my satisfaction, then and only then will I move on to the next.

Resolution 1: no flash games: consider it completed. :) I have barely thought about it for all 11 days of January (though I have on a few occasions). Basically it's getting boring just working on this one.

So, we move on to Resolution 2: Get up without using the snooze button. Or rather, snooze the alarm but get up before it goes off. 9 minutes. I can do this. Even if I fail the first few times. Basically, 2 hour snoozes have become the norm and cause me lots of self-kicking and guilt associated with that. And it's ineffective. So, no matter what the reason for choosing a wake-up time, I WILL get up when I decide.

Thoughts for a New Year...

"Break" is almost over, and it's been a good one. I managed to forget about school and work, relax, enjoy time with family and friends, get some reading done, and start thinking about myself and my life without disgust and disappointment. I have yet to analyze last semester and myself fully and create resolutions for this year or at least the near future on this basis. However, I have managed to accept a few thoughts thus far:

1) Flash games are the Devil. Quite literally; they tempt you and they suck you in and you trade your life for them and get nothing back. Incidentally, I am done with those!!! There are better ways even to waste time than playing those silly things. Granted, quitting cold turkey is a terrible idea, so I'm giving myself a loophole: if I genuinely want to play a specific game, over the weekend, when I have free time, I can still do that. So Motherload and Arcuz may still be in my life, but a whole lot less and in a way that does not take me away from work or studying.

2) Commit more [resources] to my health. I value my health in principle but I don't stand behind that principle, ever. I plan to get a few sessions with a personal trainer, maybe sign up for a class I'm genuinely interested in--a martial arts class or dancing, probably some yoga. I need to listen to my body's cues for eating and sleeping, too. Even when they're contradictory.

3) Focus. I've been pondering this for a while... I've been trying to multitask for years and the quality of my thinking has steadily declined. I need to relearn how to stay focused on one task, and the only way to learn that is to do it. So I'm going to start turning off IM and background movies when I'm studying, reading, etc.

4) Contact. I need to keep more of it with various branches of my family. I think it goes fairly well with friends; not ideally of course, but decently. I'm not entirely satisfied with Facebook, IM, and the very rare occasional phone call, but there are more pressing issues so I won't get my panties in a knot about it. Maybe later. I'll focus on those who SHOULD hear from me often but don't. If anyone is interested, the plan is to call family in Russia Saturday mornings, Sunday if that doesn't work out. Stupid time zones.

5) Positive hobbies. One of the things that comes to mind first about great people is that they are productive no matter if they're working or resting. I'm not planning to take up an interest in opera or Impressionist art, but I can focus my time on things that will genuinely help me develop as a person or create tangible benefits. I can read--I've taken it up and found I have missed it greatly--instead of watching one TV show after another. I'm not terribly picky about what I read exactly, anything will be fine, as long as I can say I'm a reader again. I can focus on one craft project at a time so that I actually finish them. I can use some of the time I have to read up on things in my field that interest me for fun. I can keep up with the news.

I've heard people like lists of 5 so I'll stop there, but I'm still thinking. I feel the need to take alone time in a pleasant environment (e.g. coffeeshop) to do some serious self-analysis, but that hasn't been possible yet. Once that happens I'll probably post a list of the key resolutions and/or goals for this year.