A Xanga post made me think on this...I think I've mentioned before that I've been in a omg-what-am-I-doing-am-I-even-good-enough-for-this-ahhh! state on and off since the beginning of the school year. And I'm not certain I can actually answer all the questions it entails. However, I have been taking steps that have made me feel much better about my situation. And here (some of them) are:
1) Talk about it. I've vented to at least 5 friends, and my mom. Each of them heard virtually the same story every couple of weeks...I kind of felt bad about it. Also certain thoughts/feelings took a while to breach because with friends and family you worry about how they see you. I've thought about going to the counseling center several times due mostly to these things: I didn't want to burden my friends and family with my emotions and I didn't want to seem weak. However, it seems that it has taken a turn for the better before I psyched myself up to do that, so I think I'll continue with friend-therapy. Perhaps make them cookies to make up for it. :)
2) Sleep. Eat. On a regular human schedule. These things have amazing effects on mood, productivity, outlook, energy levels, you name it. As a corollary, watch the vitamins (nutrient deficiencies can make you tired, who would have guessed?)
3) Do work. Sometimes you get into this mindset that you have all this shit to do, and you're not doing it, and you're a terrible person, and it just escalates into omg-why-am-I-even-alive?-ness. You know what? This is your run-of-the-mill temper-tantrum, adult-style. Kick yourself in the butt and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING that you would consider productive. Take an hour, but FINISH that homework problem without opening Facebook. You can cry. It's okay. You know what happens at the end though? You get this sense of accomplishment. Of conquering yourself (as well as the task at hand). And that builds on itself.
4) Develop or maintain your social structure. Make new friends--study groups, people you meet in the hallway, all of these are valid. There's a great feeling--something to do with being liked and being needed, perhaps--that comes from a new friendship :) Study groups also help get work done and give you perspective on where you stand.
5) Forgive yourself. This one was particularly hard for me...letting go of all those lazy evenings in front of the TV with a frozen pizza in hand. Sometimes, it's my willpower that needs a break, and that's what happens when it takes one. Breathe. Relax. Sleep in. Start the fight anew. :)
I spent my first year and a half of grad school in various iterations of "am I even good enough?" and "do I even like this?" and "why have I been deposited in this place where I don't have friends?" I'm still not sure I like it enough to devote my life to it, but all three problems eventually solved themselves. I found an area that I enjoy thinking about, I found friends, and just yesterday I had a very fruitful and interesting conversation with my advisor that inspired me just a bit to think that maybe I can do something. It just all takes time.
ReplyDeleteGlad I found your blog, by the way!
Hi F! and thanks! I often remind myself that I had similar feelings during college; but never all at the same time. Like I said, though, things are looking up! :)
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity, where and for what are you in school?
Oh, this is Fedya, by the way. I didn't think it was that hard to figure out.
ReplyDeleteAh. It really shouldn't have been! Haha. My bad. That does answer my other questions, though :)
ReplyDeleteI like number 5. Especially that it's there with everything else. These are excellent guidelines for life in general, not just grad school, so thank you for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am familiar with the hesitation to confide in your friends for fear of affecting their image of you. But that's the difference between good friends and casual acquaintances - they know who you are and love you for it, not for what you do or don't do. <3
@Eve: Haha. I toootally did 5 on Friday, if you haven't noticed. And I agree with the latter part, in part. It gets specific, though, so hit me up on IM sometime :)
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