63.7 miles: Fantastic Weekend

I'm quite certain I don't need the positivity project to feel good about this weekend/trip to Chicago.

1) Awesome evening of dinner + wine + Doctor Who.

2) Violet Hour.

3) Seeing people (MC, JB, KL, CW, LG!)

4) Bagpipes on parade!

5) Beach!

6) Fireworks!

Also, day off, cooking, good foods, late-night dessert at Clarkes, etc. etc.

And something.

63.7 miles: How are you?

1) MC came to visit this weekend! And I think he enjoyed his stay :)

2) I ran 4 miles last Thursday at the gym; it was highly satisfying!

3) I got a bunch of books at the library book sale on the US education system (from elementary school through college). It's one of the subjects I never seem to be able to learn enough about. (Passion?)

4) I finally cleaned off my desk!

5) I had a 90-some minute phone conversation with Z about interesting things. Prompted in part by me spontaneously writing an essay at 11PM about immigration, and asking for her response/input. Parts of it will be posted later, when it's more refined.

And, because this is actually a seriously bad thing that I am quite sad about, a bad thing that happened is:

1) Carmons, the delicious crepe/French restaurant in downtown, closed on Saturday. :( I didn't know so I didn't even get to go one last time. I found out Sunday.

Myriad of thoughts

Hating the word 'healthy' as applied to food. 'Healthy' can be a person who is not sick or weak/sickly. I suppose 'healthy' can be a habit that is known to promote health: brushing your teeth, doing yoga, jogging, sleeping enough, spending time with friends and/or family, etc. I suppose a diet can be 'healthy;' one that supplies necessary energy and nutrients to allow the body to function at a high level. But a food...there is no superfood you could live off of forever by itself. You need meats for protein and iron and omega 3 and maybe even some fat to satiate you. You need plants--fruits and vegetables and mushrooms for fiber and vitamins and minerals. The list goes on. Everything we can eat, we probably need a little of...'Healthy' is about balance; and one food can't have balance by itself.

Had a really hard week, but really satisfied with the results. I got some data (I want to say a lot, but it's not quite true...still, more than before), I tried an independent idea, I went to two workshops (Time Management and Python Resources for Science and Engineering), I jogged twice, I had an hour-long and very productive conversation with my advisor regarding research, funding, and summer vacation (possibly a trip to Russia?). Spent 14 hour days on campus. Cooked for myself, maybe twice. Anyway. Made me think that the best, most satisfying weeks, are the ones where you do a lot of work and can be proud of yourself :).

When I was at home last weekend, my mom leaned back and hit her head on the doorjamb on accident. While she was wincing and rubbing it, I asked if I should "kiss it and make it better." She goes "sure." Then when I did it, she tells me in a shocked voice: "wow, that actually worked!" Apparently she had always thought it was a way to calm kids down when they weren't actually hurt, just asking for attention. Live and learn, I guess? Go placebos!

Anyway...I'm cold, I have hw, taxes, and an episode of FNL to finish :). Also, Avenue Q on Friday! *excitement*

5 Steps Out of a Quarter Life Crisis

A Xanga post made me think on this...I think I've mentioned before that I've been in a omg-what-am-I-doing-am-I-even-good-enough-for-this-ahhh! state on and off since the beginning of the school year. And I'm not certain I can actually answer all the questions it entails. However, I have been taking steps that have made me feel much better about my situation. And here (some of them) are:

1) Talk about it. I've vented to at least 5 friends, and my mom. Each of them heard virtually the same story every couple of weeks...I kind of felt bad about it. Also certain thoughts/feelings took a while to breach because with friends and family you worry about how they see you. I've thought about going to the counseling center several times due mostly to these things: I didn't want to burden my friends and family with my emotions and I didn't want to seem weak. However, it seems that it has taken a turn for the better before I psyched myself up to do that, so I think I'll continue with friend-therapy. Perhaps make them cookies to make up for it. :)

2) Sleep. Eat. On a regular human schedule. These things have amazing effects on mood, productivity, outlook, energy levels, you name it. As a corollary, watch the vitamins (nutrient deficiencies can make you tired, who would have guessed?)

3) Do work. Sometimes you get into this mindset that you have all this shit to do, and you're not doing it, and you're a terrible person, and it just escalates into omg-why-am-I-even-alive?-ness. You know what? This is your run-of-the-mill temper-tantrum, adult-style. Kick yourself in the butt and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING that you would consider productive. Take an hour, but FINISH that homework problem without opening Facebook. You can cry. It's okay. You know what happens at the end though? You get this sense of accomplishment. Of conquering yourself (as well as the task at hand). And that builds on itself.

4) Develop or maintain your social structure. Make new friends--study groups, people you meet in the hallway, all of these are valid. There's a great feeling--something to do with being liked and being needed, perhaps--that comes from a new friendship :) Study groups also help get work done and give you perspective on where you stand.

5) Forgive yourself. This one was particularly hard for me...letting go of all those lazy evenings in front of the TV with a frozen pizza in hand. Sometimes, it's my willpower that needs a break, and that's what happens when it takes one. Breathe. Relax. Sleep in. Start the fight anew. :)

It's Tea!

Today, I have for you a story.

One fine day, I was sitting in my office. Except it wasn't terribly fine because it was the Friday before spring break and I was working on engineering drawings that weren't being terribly fun. And waiting for a friend (V) who was about to get there. But it was ok.

Suddenly! A head appeared over the cubicle-divider walls in front of me.

"Hi!" The head said. "Do you mind if I go through your office to get to mine?"

"No, go right ahead," I replied, suppressing giggles the whole while. It wasn't easy. Because he proceeded to climb over two cubicle walls; not that I could see it. (My office has two halves; he went through the other half, behind a wall from me.) You see, the grad student 'offices' are really one giant room divided into cubicles of various sizes. Sometimes with their own door and sometimes without. Anyway, after he was gone I signed on to Facebook and immediately informed the world that someone had finally jumped/climbed the cubicle walls. I had been waiting for it to happen for months.

I thought the story was over.

Monday (after an awesome weekend :) ) I arrived at work and went to check my mail; I was waiting on a fax, which did not arrive. However, my mailbox had a small box with a card attached. I read it. It said:

Dear Galina,

Thank you for letting me go through your cubicle. I have seen you making tea several times so I hope you will enjoy this tea. I am also of course willing to return the service you have rendered me, should you ever be locked out of your office.

Signed,

The tea was Ahmad. I was impressed, to say the least. Also, anyone with a taste in tea is OBVIOUSLY a good person. I was going to write him a card, but frankly, I'm just not awesome enough for that. So I said thanks for the card next time I saw him in the hallway. :) Next time after that I asked when he was stopping by for tea. He said sometime. The next time I made fun of him for being at school on a Sunday night (note: I was necessarily also there, also on Sunday night :\ ) Apparently we were both on the way out, because he offered me a ride 5 minutes later when I was at the bus stop. I refused because my bus was pulling up and it wasn't that close to him anyway...but it was nice :)

So, that's the story. I made a new friend :)

More to life

I'm not judging today on productivity. I had a good day. I woke up decently, had a good breakfast, came to work, sent an important email, had my own lunch but went out for coffee & pita bread with friends (they were having lunch), had friends sit in my office for an hour talking about randomness :), installed new Inventor and the Autodesk simulation software (Algor) on my computer.

Cleaning out freezer and cabinets/reorganizing the kitchen with my roomies will probably be my most productive contribution to the world today. But it was pleasant :)

There's more to life than graduate school.

Resolutions: I'm getting better at waking up. I took an hour today, but was fully awake for about half of that. And I was slacking cuz it's Friday. Hope?

Why?

Over the past 5 weeks, I have come to some realizations:

i) I don't know how to read papers [effectively].

ii) I'm 'behind' according to my usual standards due (I think) to changing schools. [On a side note, I hate obnoxious overachievers who do routine AE 412 HW in LaTeX and get 100% on it! Taking pride in your work is one thing, but....really?]

iii) I don't know how to ask good questions. This isn't news, but it's more of a problem now than ever. Half of research is figuring out your topic; that comes from asking questions that are important to you.

iv) I still have very few, if any good friends besides the ones that came with me.

v) I seem to have more 'bad' days than good.

vi) I still fall back on frozen pizza, Jimmy John's sandwiches (on white bread), and sushi (with white rice.)

vii) I eat out a lot.

On more positive notes:

i) New school supplies make me excited about school!

ii) I am for the most part, financially independent for the first time in my life.

iii) While I am having to work at my schoolwork, I am far from failing.

iv) While I can't ask questions, I'm here (in grad school) because I enjoy searching for answers.

v) While I have no close friends yet, I have generally gotten friendly responses from people I've talked to.

vi) I have eliminated white flour and rice from my kitchen.

vii) Although I have the income to eat out, I make about half my meals at home.

viii) I've been home to see family and been to Chicago to see friends.

ix) I have kept up a 3x a week or more workout schedule for a month (until last week when I felt crappy) and will take that up again this week.

x) I've been waking up before noon all days of the week (I think)!

In-Between

Training ended on Friday (later for me than others, more on this later).

The week was pretty fantastic--tiring and long but also (I guess) productive. We started by meeting everyone (of course), and going rules and policies and that stuff. Then First Aid/CPR. Somewhere in there we also started looking at the plan for the two-week sessions. Campout under the trees (COLD). Swim tests and being re-taught how to belay in a different style. "Rules" of hiking and a practice hike at Castle Rock. Campout at the beach, with travel staff cooking for the other 30 people (as well as themselves). The best part of the whole week was really the people and I'm glad we did a thing on the beach where we got to hug and have a short conversation with almost every fellow staffer. Random picture:

(Myself and resident staff counselor A_, the day we wore "matching" shirts. Neither is Apple-related, haha.)

Friday after the campout, I used my somewhat new "approved driver" status to drive 3 of the guys to the doctor for physicals (paperwork... :( ) I basically got to read for 4 hours (got through 10 pages of The Two Towers!) while they got that done. Then we went to get food before heading back to camp, since we had already missed lunch by a lot. By the time we got back, everyone had gotten their staff shirts, my roommates had moved into our actual summer housing and gotten their keys, and I was pretty hopelessly behind. So I rushed around catching people before they left for the day and managed to get stuff done. Yay! That was the end of training.

Today, I met one of my oldest friends, SS, for the day. We had giant crepes at Q-cup, then hung out at her house for a while. I did laundry and we played Monopoly with her boyfriend and talked. Later her sisters came home--aged five and eight. They're absolutely adorable and I forgot how easy it was to earn the adoration of such babies (especially the little one). They came to watch us play and I let the youngest roll the dice and move for me, while the older one took over the bank. Once we got RS (boyfriend) out, we quit and went swimming while the laundry finished. By then we had worked up appetites again and went for sushi! (California sushi rocks!)

We chose Chocolate Sushi in Sunnyvale--I had been there before and had an awesome time even though I was pretty full to begin with. The food was delicious once again, but this time I had more space to enjoy it. The coolest part was when we ordered chocolate sushi and it turned out it was actually chocolate-drizzled eel and avocado nigiri. It was weird but definitely a worthwhile experience!

After that we just chilled at her house and talked, again, until I had to go back. And had tea, as is the Russian way ;) . Back in my room, I packed for the camp session and ended up with surprisingly little stuff...I also discovered over the course of the day that I had lost track of my red IIT hoodie for the second time this week. I hope to find it tomorrow.

Finally, I forgot to mention--I got a mini Leatherman to replace the knife I had confiscated on my way here! It's tiny and cute and fits on my keychain. I hope it's sufficient for camp use!

Departures & Arrivals

My dad didn't understand why I heaved deep sighs in the car today on the way to the airport. It took me a while to, also. I'm not just leaving home for a summer job....I don't believe I will ever be home for more than a week in a row again, and it probably won't be as leisurely as these three weeks were. For some intents and purposes, I left behind "home" and I left behind some more vestiges of childhood. Some of the last.

I was really suprised when I started tearing up/choking up on the first few pages of Catching Fire. I'm never, ever that affected by books (and rarely by movies). Don't take me wrong...the book is heart-wrenching! I just didn't expect that to make me tear up, and it pretty much did. I blame my already precarious emotional state for my overreaction, but don't let that affect my recommendation--it's a good book!

Another part of my being emotional is that, however much I mask it, every time I am really excited about something not because it's something I love that I've done before, but because it's new, adventurous, and unprecedented, the happy part of the excitement is tinged with a healthy dose of fear...it probably has to be, to be truly, honestly exciting. What I'm doing now--summer job with a lot of responsibility in California; then graduate school, (mostly*) financial independence, a housing arrangement outside of school...my life seems like it's going to have some rapid hairpin-turn changes, and that looks intimidating. Possibly kind of like hills, which look steeper when you look forward at them. ;) [*mostly = excepting undergrad debt, which is still not in my name]

So, on to good things! I got to walk on the tarmac today at San Diego International! It was super-unusual, but really cool. I'll even accept having the aisle seat twice today for that privelege. I had a flight with a 30-minute connection, and the way my first plane arrived (4 minutes late, though it was like 20 minutes late leaving Chicago, so they did pretty well!), it was in another branch of the terminal than the outgoing flight. Going the "proper" way would require going through security again (!!!), so they gathered us up in a group and took us the "other" way, across the (short stretch of) field. There was baggage processing and toward the end a plane came taxi-ing to a gate nearby. I found myself laughing, almost hysterically. Fortunately it was loud, so no one heard, but I was still pretty giddy when I got on the plane.

Then I got my luggage, met my ride, and stepped out into...California. Not quite the way I remembered it, because I haven't been here in summer in 6 years. The flowers that were blooming seemed weird and out of place, and the smells weren't quite right, but still very much Californian (or maybe I say that because they starkly contrasted with the smells of Illinois). I think it was redwood...it was between pine and juniper...sweet, tree-y, and reminded me of home in a long-forgotten kind of way. I also had the strange feeling of being out of place for a while, but that went away as soon as I got here (AT's house). It's good to have a home away from home...especially when you're not quite sure where home is anymore... ;)

Tomorrow: Lunch with an old friend (LD) that I've miserably failed to keep up with, then shopping with AT's sister, possibly a quick drugstore run, and then...camp!

Friday: Training!