63.7 miles: Today was good...

1) I got to begin building things in the lab! [Assemble a unistrut structure.]

2) We (the guys and I) moved around furniture in/around one of the new offices.

3) Long teatime & talk with my roommate. :)

5 Steps Out of a Quarter Life Crisis

A Xanga post made me think on this...I think I've mentioned before that I've been in a omg-what-am-I-doing-am-I-even-good-enough-for-this-ahhh! state on and off since the beginning of the school year. And I'm not certain I can actually answer all the questions it entails. However, I have been taking steps that have made me feel much better about my situation. And here (some of them) are:

1) Talk about it. I've vented to at least 5 friends, and my mom. Each of them heard virtually the same story every couple of weeks...I kind of felt bad about it. Also certain thoughts/feelings took a while to breach because with friends and family you worry about how they see you. I've thought about going to the counseling center several times due mostly to these things: I didn't want to burden my friends and family with my emotions and I didn't want to seem weak. However, it seems that it has taken a turn for the better before I psyched myself up to do that, so I think I'll continue with friend-therapy. Perhaps make them cookies to make up for it. :)

2) Sleep. Eat. On a regular human schedule. These things have amazing effects on mood, productivity, outlook, energy levels, you name it. As a corollary, watch the vitamins (nutrient deficiencies can make you tired, who would have guessed?)

3) Do work. Sometimes you get into this mindset that you have all this shit to do, and you're not doing it, and you're a terrible person, and it just escalates into omg-why-am-I-even-alive?-ness. You know what? This is your run-of-the-mill temper-tantrum, adult-style. Kick yourself in the butt and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING that you would consider productive. Take an hour, but FINISH that homework problem without opening Facebook. You can cry. It's okay. You know what happens at the end though? You get this sense of accomplishment. Of conquering yourself (as well as the task at hand). And that builds on itself.

4) Develop or maintain your social structure. Make new friends--study groups, people you meet in the hallway, all of these are valid. There's a great feeling--something to do with being liked and being needed, perhaps--that comes from a new friendship :) Study groups also help get work done and give you perspective on where you stand.

5) Forgive yourself. This one was particularly hard for me...letting go of all those lazy evenings in front of the TV with a frozen pizza in hand. Sometimes, it's my willpower that needs a break, and that's what happens when it takes one. Breathe. Relax. Sleep in. Start the fight anew. :)

As Windows installs...

Had a strange episode last night...went to bed at 9PM due to headache, then woke up at 2AM. Brushed teeth, got a drink, went back to bed. Tried to get comfortable. Felt weird pains in various parts of my body. Got nervous. Couldn't fall asleep. Tossed and turned. :\ Finally, read a chapter in a book and calmed down. 4AM finally got back to sleep, but plans of waking up at 7 were foiled. Still nervous about how I felt during the night, I let myself sleep in until 10:30. Actually woke up around 10:15. Got to campus around 12:30. Spent virtually all day setting up my new computer :), while having an 'I overslept today' headache. Bah.

Maybe I needed that, though. Something crazy to break up the monotony of every day. That said it didn't make me feel terribly good.

I've started looking into personal training and metabolic rate analysis. It's probably worth it to remove the guesswork from my eating and workouts and really give me something to work toward. Also, a guiding hand would not be amiss. It's pricey...looks like with my current plan I can look forward to spending about $200 over the semester; $100 on the analysis and $100 on the training--around 5 meetings with a trainer. That's on top of the $50 unlimited class pass that I have already bought. Kind of a pricey endeavor, but if it helps, it's worth it. My health is worth it, after all.

Finished my first HW early, woot! And started the 2nd assignment the day it was assigned! Granted, I got stuck on the 2nd problem. I think tonight I'll skip it and go on to the later ones. Managing 2 classes is much easier than managing 5. or 4. or 3. Now, thesis research...*sigh*

I need to start reading more papers. I'm thinking about taking off early (say, on Mondays and Fridays?) and doing this in a pleasant atmosphere...MEL, coffee shop, library, my bed...etc. Perhaps this will be a motivator.

Overall, I would say things aren't going badly :)

New Layout!

...aaand that's about all I can say on that subject. However...

Resolution: failed almost miserably; 1 hour snoozing isn't as bad as 2, right? Try again tomorrow.

On the other hand, I think I got some good stuff done today on getting ready to build my apparatus! Woot! However, I seem to be working somewhat weird hours; it appears I enjoy my work more when I do it after 5 PM. Huh? I'll see if that changes as I get Life under control.

Thoughts for a New Year...

"Break" is almost over, and it's been a good one. I managed to forget about school and work, relax, enjoy time with family and friends, get some reading done, and start thinking about myself and my life without disgust and disappointment. I have yet to analyze last semester and myself fully and create resolutions for this year or at least the near future on this basis. However, I have managed to accept a few thoughts thus far:

1) Flash games are the Devil. Quite literally; they tempt you and they suck you in and you trade your life for them and get nothing back. Incidentally, I am done with those!!! There are better ways even to waste time than playing those silly things. Granted, quitting cold turkey is a terrible idea, so I'm giving myself a loophole: if I genuinely want to play a specific game, over the weekend, when I have free time, I can still do that. So Motherload and Arcuz may still be in my life, but a whole lot less and in a way that does not take me away from work or studying.

2) Commit more [resources] to my health. I value my health in principle but I don't stand behind that principle, ever. I plan to get a few sessions with a personal trainer, maybe sign up for a class I'm genuinely interested in--a martial arts class or dancing, probably some yoga. I need to listen to my body's cues for eating and sleeping, too. Even when they're contradictory.

3) Focus. I've been pondering this for a while... I've been trying to multitask for years and the quality of my thinking has steadily declined. I need to relearn how to stay focused on one task, and the only way to learn that is to do it. So I'm going to start turning off IM and background movies when I'm studying, reading, etc.

4) Contact. I need to keep more of it with various branches of my family. I think it goes fairly well with friends; not ideally of course, but decently. I'm not entirely satisfied with Facebook, IM, and the very rare occasional phone call, but there are more pressing issues so I won't get my panties in a knot about it. Maybe later. I'll focus on those who SHOULD hear from me often but don't. If anyone is interested, the plan is to call family in Russia Saturday mornings, Sunday if that doesn't work out. Stupid time zones.

5) Positive hobbies. One of the things that comes to mind first about great people is that they are productive no matter if they're working or resting. I'm not planning to take up an interest in opera or Impressionist art, but I can focus my time on things that will genuinely help me develop as a person or create tangible benefits. I can read--I've taken it up and found I have missed it greatly--instead of watching one TV show after another. I'm not terribly picky about what I read exactly, anything will be fine, as long as I can say I'm a reader again. I can focus on one craft project at a time so that I actually finish them. I can use some of the time I have to read up on things in my field that interest me for fun. I can keep up with the news.

I've heard people like lists of 5 so I'll stop there, but I'm still thinking. I feel the need to take alone time in a pleasant environment (e.g. coffeeshop) to do some serious self-analysis, but that hasn't been possible yet. Once that happens I'll probably post a list of the key resolutions and/or goals for this year.

Work-School-Life Balance

Leave the office at the office, turn off the smartphone, check your email once or twice a day instead of constantly, leave your weekends to yourself (and not your boss). They typical advice for finding a little calm and peace in a hectic working world.

But what about grad school?

My dad is in academia...a strange, national lab brand of academia, but academia nonetheless. He is a bona fide expert in his narrow field, does things no one else can, publishes papers (or at least he once did), and on the rare occasion gets "we'll do anything!" job offers. I respect all this immensely.

At the same time, I'm in a place where I can see his lifestyle...he's a total night owl and refuses the 9-5 paradigm, even in the semi-"real" job he has held for about a year (you know, the kind with bosses and meetings and offices and all that jazz.) He likes to work at home when he can, but he also rarely truly leaves work for that reason...i.e. he brings home coding, reading, email-sending, and god knows what to do after dinner and even on weekends. There's no home/work separation and at times I can see that wears on him. He's passionate about his work; one of the reasons that leaving it at the office isn't an option, and as an academic, his approach is "do everything I can and succeed," rather than "do what I get paid for." This is good or bad...on the one hand, people with that mindset accomplish more. On the other, I think it sets the stage to be under-appreciated.

Why do I bring all this up? Well, essentially, his approach has greatly influenced many of my own feelings about work and school, which I've been fighting to reconcile.

Strangely enough, or maybe not at all, I didn't think about "in college, my parents..." when I was in college. Same in high school. And even if I did, it didn't influence my perception of what I should be doing, because their school experiences had been in a different place as well as a different time. They never took SAT's or AP classes, never wrote college application questions or worried if they'd be able to pay for it. They took insanely difficult entrance exams, passed, and had housing and a stipend provided for them. Not piles of riches, but no undergrad school loan debt, either. They had classes and labs 9-5 that they sometimes didn't go to with homework and studying afterwards, had 6 years of university instead of 4, and essentially got something akin to a master's degree in the bargain. On some things I can relate to them; on others, not so much. The main thing I took away from their experiences: study hard, because you're not studying as hard as we did but don't let that be your whole life: have good fun with good friends while you're young enough to have it.

Grad school is different. I remember my dad starting grad school. And finishing, too. We never talked about dad "going to school." He was always "going to work." There are marked differences: he'd had more years of education at a tougher institution, then a few years of work, at least one of which was as an assistant professor at the same institution he was starting to attend (don't ask). Apparently he had some courses transferred and was able to complete the rest of his coursework in a year. He came to do research, on a specific topic with a specific person, not to study. He was working on physics, not engineering. He had a family. Those are just a few.

I don't feel like much has changed with my life since undergrad. I'm still in school, albeit with a few more perks. Less classes, an office, no tuition, a stipend, etc. On the other hand, harder classes, and an expectation of doing research.

It should feel and be treated more like work. And I'm not treating it that way. Research still seems secondary on my plate of things to do. It's not much different from other students I've met that are in the same place, i.e. coming out of undergrad. Some are more focused on research and more independently motivated to work on it...some are still in the beginning stages like I am.

So basically, I'm looking for the right approach...the proper balance between sleeping in and enjoying the perks of being an adult...and becoming self-motivated and getting work done.

I work in lab with guys who are morning people (I think) and are down there like, 8-6 or so. I think (a) the lab is crowded so I stay up in the office and (b) I can get reading of papers done just as well sitting at home on my couch (or bed, which is more comfy). The thing is, when my dad did this, he got things done. I don't.

I guess I'm to continue looking for that balance of spending time at school and working at home. Find the tasks that work best in each environment. Spend more time at school once I start having hands-on labwork. In the meantime, the to-do list awaits: 2 homework assignments due next week, a fellowship application due Tuesday, and a project in my hardest class. A student's work is never done!

Unexpectedly good day :)

Today, I had a moment of fierce pride. My computer was used for two PowerPoint presentations in my design class--we were going over mission specifications, if anyone is interested, more on that later--and two people, after seeing my background, asked me what it was. It was the image you see, which, to the best of my knowledge, is property of the Ad Astra Rocket company, http://www.adastrarocket.com . I encourage you to go look at the rest of the site because the company is A-MAZING. But in a nutshell, it's a concept spacecraft using the company's VASIMR engine that can (theoretically) get a manned mission to Mars in about 39 days (using chemical rockets: 6 months). Anyhow, since this is what I want to work on getting done in my lifetime, and I really like having it as my desktop, I was very pleased to have someone take an interest :) Actually, two someones, both of them classmates I intensely respect.

On design presentations: My group decided to take Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, the Jetsons, and the DeLorean of Back to the Future as our inspiration and work on a flying car design. We're never actually going to MAKE this vehicle, but we're looking at having something that can drive 100 miles and fly 500 on a full tank of gas. You can't quite take off from your garage, but you can drive to a local airfield, take off, fly to the next one over, and then drive to grandma's house. Or your business meeting. You do need a pilot's license to operate it, though.

A little update on me (I put this at the end for a reason, hehe): The end of last semester was a somewhat stressful and hectic time--I ended up with 3 projects toward the end of the semester, plus two classes (and a few CAD homework assignments) thrown into the mix. A couple other things happened, the result of which was I made a difficult decision and chose to leave research for two jobs: TA for the CS department and tutor at the Academic Resource Center (the latter I had held before, and remembered it being fun and, dare I say, relaxing :))

Now, after a mostly relaxing break and a lot of graduate school applications (sorry, you missed them all: Princeton, University of Washington, University of Illinois-Urbana Champaign, CalTech, Georgia Tech), after all that, I started my 3 design classes+IPRO semester. It's been okay so far, the hardest day (night) being last night when I had to come up with 20 product ideas! And I didn't quite procrastinate, because we only really heard about the assignment on Monday (he had mentioned it before, but not in detail).

Still, I came up with some cool ideas, went to class, and am basically having a blast with all these cool projects. I'm also looking forward to Interview Weekend in a little over a week, having a high school student stay in my room one last time before I graduate!

Cheers. Early bedtime for me!

Mentors

So, we went to SWE conference, and I have not gotten around to posting about that yet. I will do so...sometime. I really want to do justice to it, and with mid-semesterwork piling up (especially after being gone half a week :X), I don't think I can do it justice right now.

I have, however, a nasty habit of doing more thinking when I'm busy than when I'm not. Or maybe that's everyone.

SWE wants to start a mentorship program; mentoring is basically a way to form a relationship with someone who has been through your experiences (or something close) and come out alive; for example, a mentor who is a working engineer to an engineering student. Or a college student to a high school student. Or a college senior to a freshman (because we do have a lot we can, and should, pass down!) A mentor offers encouragement, advice, and is one more person you are accountable to, but who also knows the mistakes you can make and can tell you that they are okay. They're human and not perfect, but they are someone to look up to, someone you aspire to be, who will also help you get there.

I realized recently that I am a sort of (unofficial) mentor to some people, most recently and notably a friend I met in my IPRO group. We are friends, I have no doubts on that, but I can tell he also sees me as someone who has accomplished what he wants to do in college; lining up the double major, doing research. I know how to start the "can I work in your lab" conversation and interact with professors, where the machine shop is, what classes to take when and what not to take together. It's the little things, but they matter a lot. He amazes me every time I see him with enthusiasm and excitement for things that I just want to get done; and reminds me how fun life can actually be, if you let it. I like to think I helped him start the research conversation (though from there on out I'm sure he did fine enough himself), got him involved in AIAA, introduced him to things he could do to develop useful skills (some that I never got a chance to learn), while doing something good for the school. I look forward to finding out where he goes from here and keeping in touch. Perhaps I'll soon lose my "lead" that allows me to be a mentor now, that doesn't matter; it is nice to help someone along the path of their life in the direction they want to go with experience I may have earned the hard way. It also makes me realize how much I do, actually know.

On that note, it also makes me realize how many mentors I have had. I suppose the first ones are my parents, but that's not really the same; although they are amazing people that I still go to for advice, help, and support. My professors have been mentors as well, some more than others, of course, as has every club advisor SWE has ever had. But I have also had classmate mentors: AG freshman year, who claimed to be "training a new AG," and helped me get my foot in the door of student activities by helping me and my friend organize a big dinner event. She was also a fantastic peer tutor (as I found out the next year when we worked alongside). And oh yea, she always looked put-together, a feat I have yet to get down. RW, whom I idolized sophomore year, as he seemed to do everything and then some, while maintaining a fantastic GPA (he was active in several student orgs, worked as a learning assistant, and worked in research). Finally these past two years I have greatly looked up to ST, who commits to his work and projects like there is no tomorrow and also amazes me every day with the depth and breadth of his relationships with people, from family to professors in the department.

I suppose the purpose of this point is to bring to attention that a mentor does not need to be an official post, although it can be. We are also not limited to one mentor in a lifetime or one mentor at a time. Mentors are people we learn from and go to for advice. They are people who inspire us and support our endeavors. Those who volunteer information, as well, when it is wanted, without being asked, because they know what we are going through.

Look at your friends, family, and teachers. Is there someone who stands out particularly as a mentor to you? If you're brave, thank them the next time you see them.

SWE!

(Yes, this is the promised post on SWE.)

I just got my plane ticket for the national conference. Unfortunately, it seems the prices have gone up by $80/roundtrip :( Definitely $80 I could have used. Still, it's worth it to go.

Regional conference, which I have attended for two years now, is always amazing--500-600 (mostly, but not entirely) women, from engineering backgrounds, from across the northern midwest (IL, WI, MI, IN, MN, IA, ND, SD) gathered in one place for workshops, career fair, interviews, meals, speakers, games, etc. SWE National Conference gathers women from across the United States! From women who have even been hinted to that engineering was "unfeminine," to women who had to put up with awfulness from classmates, professors, and coworkers every step of the way, they're all gathered there to share experiences.

I love my engineering classmates, most of whom are guys, a lot. I am, in fact, gender-blind until I think about it consciously--I don't look for another girl to work with on a project or a homework assignment, I just look for a friend; and that's a guy more often than not. But however natural hanging out with "my boys" may feel, they can never tell me how to make long curly hair look professional, what it's like to spill corn syrup down the front of your extra-dressy clothes that you wore because the upper management was coming to visit, how to manage an engineering education/job with a serious relationship and a family, how to act when you find out your employer is paying your male peer more than you although you do the same work (or you work better than him!). This is why SWE is important to me; sometimes, you just need a woman's advice, and nothing else will do. And sometimes you just need to share experiences with people as much like you as possible.

I have many fond SWE memories of events I've planned, workshops I have attended, but my favorite moments by far are moments of sharing with other SWE members--not just other officers, who are all my friends, but new members, people I didn't normally run into. Ever since freshman year, when I joined, SWE has helped me find fantastic friends, if only for those minutes or hours that we were talking. Mind you, these weren't the kind of friends I would make in the cafeteria, nor the kind I would make in class. We were bonded by something different, a similarity that drew us all to that group and to seek each other's company.

The fond memories of planning events are also embedded in some of my skills. Skills I didn't realize I had until things I thought I was terrible at, I could do well. It was what we call "experience" that I gathered. Experience in running meetings, in foresight and planning, in trust, delegation, communication, and many other things. I learned business concepts--management concepts--without realizing it!

I was talking to a potential employer yesterday at the career fair our career management center (CMC) put on. He asked me in detail about what I learned from SWE. My answer was not eloquent enough for my own satisfaction; I didn't realize he wanted an in depth analysis, or I could have given him one. Truth is, my engineering classes taught me concepts, equations, conventions, at times economics, analytical thinking, and technical writing. My internship taught me about products, and made me pay attention to the business side of engineering--verifying that you have a product of quality. But SWE? SWE taught me the human side of engineering--how to interact with the people we will no doubt be in constant contact with. Part of that was through leadership, part was through SWE workshops and events, but part was through the combination of both.

My mother came to my presentation at the Chicago Area Undergraduate Research Symposium last spring--my labmate and I were presenting a poster. She watched me give a presentation and pointed out how I had learned a certain poise, grace, manner for interacting formally but easily with a person of authority. That didn't come from classes. That didn't come from work or research. That definitely came from SWE.

A Day in the Life

I had nothing in particular to post about, so a (modified) excerpt from my conversation with my sister*:

Today I:
-Didn't procrastinate on my CAD work that's due Wed/Fri.
-Went to a Camras Advisory Board meeting and volunteered to present on my experiences with undergrad research
-Sorted out my problems with my last two paychecks
-Talked to my advisor, as promised, but got no solid information regarding research funding for this semester ( :( ) [not his fault, by the way, our administrative assistant wasn't in, so he couldn't get a report of his grants for the semester]...rescheduled to Wednesday
-Finished Stats HW
-Ran a fairly productive (in my opinion, anyway) AIAA meeting
-Confused my Stats professor (in my defense, he started it!)
-Washed most of my dishes
-Registered for SWE national conference (with a tour of SpaceX facilities!)

Tomorrow is another pretty full day! Two student activities workshops, a class and my awesome IPRO, which I still need to read some articles for. I'm out for now.

Results!?!??

I don't want to jinx it, so I'll just say that my project is working better than ever before. Putting in 11 hours straight can be well worth it! It may also help that I work best around 4-7PM, a time when I'm usually getting ready to/going home from the lab. But things will change when classes start in a week and a bit; I just don't know how yet.

I'm now at the point where I'm testing and hoping I don't discover any more problems...We'll see how that goes. Anyway, it put me in a strange mood of wanting to look back on this project and this summer in terms of research...

I didn't want to do this project, at first. I distinctly remember turning it down last year, because I did not want to be on my own project; but I agreed this summer because...well, because results seemed more likely than on my previous project, because now I did want to do something on my own and have a result to show for it, and maybe because the work that my predecessor did seemed more promising than starting from scratch. And now that the summer is almost over, most of these reasons have justified themselves. I have produced something! It may not work perfectly, but it is far more than what existed before!

I learned three new software tools: a circuit simulator called SIMetrix (if you need one, and you will as an EE, ME, AE, or Physics major, or want to play with one, I recommend it), PBASIC for the Parallax Basic Stamp Microcontroller and Visual Basic for Excel (great tool!). I've learned a whole lot about circuit design and statistics; and probably some stuff about other things, too.

Best of all, I learned about myself: I prefer simulating to measuring, programming to running test after test; I still like greasing bearings, taking things apart, and making a real, physical product, though. I like to learn new things from lots of different areas (electronics, programming, math, and of course fluid mechanics) and put them together; furthermore, I am very capable of doing this!

What does this mean for my future? I'm not 100% sure. (I still have to test my hypothesis, kind of like on my project, haha.) Still, I'm a lot less worried about my graduate school choices than I would have been had I not done this project; now I know I have many, many choices and one of them is bound to suit me!

On Programming...

I programmed in Visual Basic yesterday. Now, I didn't really know Visual Basic.

But while I was sorting through the MSDN documentation (by the way, terrible, but that's a story for another day), it occurred to me that after using Java, C++, MATLAB, Python, assembly (for the LC3 emulator), and PBASIC (for the Parallax Basic Stamp 2), I had enough programming experience to figure out any programming language in the same way I would remember a language if I hadn't used it in a while.

It's strange to find out you can't honestly say you "don't know" something anymore, because you know bits and pieces of it from different previous experiences...

Running into a wall on Monday morning

I kind of hate it when I discover an error that sets me back a week, but I guess that's research.

Right now I'm still trying to figure out what's causing it...but at least I figured out what is going on, so I guess that's something.

Happy Friday!

Ah, another week done. Tiring, but satisfying.

I got my research project working yesterday, tested it some more under different conditions today. Need some advice from my advisor before continuing; I know nothing about statistics! Which I am sure to remedy in the next semester, one way or another.

Got some of my textbooks in the mail. MMAE 485 textbook was HUGE. By now I'm not even expecting to learn it all, but I hope I won't need it in class every day. It's like two inches thick, and 9 by 11 at least.

Up for this weekend: CAMPING! About 10 of us are going to a park about 100 miles out of Chicago for the weekend. Some left today; the rest of us are following tomorrow morning at a luxurious 9 AM. Sleeping in! Haha. I can't wait to be back at school where the earliest thing I need to be up for is 10 AM classes.