"I want to not be afraid of the unknown."

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

~Tyra Collette, Friday Night Lights Season 3 Episode 13.

This was the last iteration of her college essay...her answer to the conversation below with her friend Landry:

Tyra: What, should I write about my trashy family, about the fact that my sister’s a stripper, or my mom is a high school drop out who drinks boxes of wine like it’s water? Or about the fact that I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, or the fact that my papa wasn’t around? How about that? Oh, I know what I should write about! The fact that up until two years ago I had enough hate in my heart to start a freaking car.
Landry: What changed?
Tyra: What?
Landry: You know, what changed from two years ago? Why, why did you stop having enough hate in your heart to start a freaking car?
Tyra: Jason Streep got paralyzed. (pause) I realized that he was this great guy, I mean like this hero, and it happened to him. And it, it made me realize that life isn’t fair for anybody. Not just me.
Landry: Alright, and what else?
Tyra: I don’t know, I became friends with Julie and Mrs Taylor started to take some interest in me. Started doing my homework. You. I met you. I started to feel like I was on the inside instead of the outside.

I know it's a movie that's expertly crafted to tug at heartstrings. But it's still...it's a good scene. I really like it. It moves me. That is all.

Work-School-Life Balance

Leave the office at the office, turn off the smartphone, check your email once or twice a day instead of constantly, leave your weekends to yourself (and not your boss). They typical advice for finding a little calm and peace in a hectic working world.

But what about grad school?

My dad is in academia...a strange, national lab brand of academia, but academia nonetheless. He is a bona fide expert in his narrow field, does things no one else can, publishes papers (or at least he once did), and on the rare occasion gets "we'll do anything!" job offers. I respect all this immensely.

At the same time, I'm in a place where I can see his lifestyle...he's a total night owl and refuses the 9-5 paradigm, even in the semi-"real" job he has held for about a year (you know, the kind with bosses and meetings and offices and all that jazz.) He likes to work at home when he can, but he also rarely truly leaves work for that reason...i.e. he brings home coding, reading, email-sending, and god knows what to do after dinner and even on weekends. There's no home/work separation and at times I can see that wears on him. He's passionate about his work; one of the reasons that leaving it at the office isn't an option, and as an academic, his approach is "do everything I can and succeed," rather than "do what I get paid for." This is good or bad...on the one hand, people with that mindset accomplish more. On the other, I think it sets the stage to be under-appreciated.

Why do I bring all this up? Well, essentially, his approach has greatly influenced many of my own feelings about work and school, which I've been fighting to reconcile.

Strangely enough, or maybe not at all, I didn't think about "in college, my parents..." when I was in college. Same in high school. And even if I did, it didn't influence my perception of what I should be doing, because their school experiences had been in a different place as well as a different time. They never took SAT's or AP classes, never wrote college application questions or worried if they'd be able to pay for it. They took insanely difficult entrance exams, passed, and had housing and a stipend provided for them. Not piles of riches, but no undergrad school loan debt, either. They had classes and labs 9-5 that they sometimes didn't go to with homework and studying afterwards, had 6 years of university instead of 4, and essentially got something akin to a master's degree in the bargain. On some things I can relate to them; on others, not so much. The main thing I took away from their experiences: study hard, because you're not studying as hard as we did but don't let that be your whole life: have good fun with good friends while you're young enough to have it.

Grad school is different. I remember my dad starting grad school. And finishing, too. We never talked about dad "going to school." He was always "going to work." There are marked differences: he'd had more years of education at a tougher institution, then a few years of work, at least one of which was as an assistant professor at the same institution he was starting to attend (don't ask). Apparently he had some courses transferred and was able to complete the rest of his coursework in a year. He came to do research, on a specific topic with a specific person, not to study. He was working on physics, not engineering. He had a family. Those are just a few.

I don't feel like much has changed with my life since undergrad. I'm still in school, albeit with a few more perks. Less classes, an office, no tuition, a stipend, etc. On the other hand, harder classes, and an expectation of doing research.

It should feel and be treated more like work. And I'm not treating it that way. Research still seems secondary on my plate of things to do. It's not much different from other students I've met that are in the same place, i.e. coming out of undergrad. Some are more focused on research and more independently motivated to work on it...some are still in the beginning stages like I am.

So basically, I'm looking for the right approach...the proper balance between sleeping in and enjoying the perks of being an adult...and becoming self-motivated and getting work done.

I work in lab with guys who are morning people (I think) and are down there like, 8-6 or so. I think (a) the lab is crowded so I stay up in the office and (b) I can get reading of papers done just as well sitting at home on my couch (or bed, which is more comfy). The thing is, when my dad did this, he got things done. I don't.

I guess I'm to continue looking for that balance of spending time at school and working at home. Find the tasks that work best in each environment. Spend more time at school once I start having hands-on labwork. In the meantime, the to-do list awaits: 2 homework assignments due next week, a fellowship application due Tuesday, and a project in my hardest class. A student's work is never done!

Mentors

So, we went to SWE conference, and I have not gotten around to posting about that yet. I will do so...sometime. I really want to do justice to it, and with mid-semesterwork piling up (especially after being gone half a week :X), I don't think I can do it justice right now.

I have, however, a nasty habit of doing more thinking when I'm busy than when I'm not. Or maybe that's everyone.

SWE wants to start a mentorship program; mentoring is basically a way to form a relationship with someone who has been through your experiences (or something close) and come out alive; for example, a mentor who is a working engineer to an engineering student. Or a college student to a high school student. Or a college senior to a freshman (because we do have a lot we can, and should, pass down!) A mentor offers encouragement, advice, and is one more person you are accountable to, but who also knows the mistakes you can make and can tell you that they are okay. They're human and not perfect, but they are someone to look up to, someone you aspire to be, who will also help you get there.

I realized recently that I am a sort of (unofficial) mentor to some people, most recently and notably a friend I met in my IPRO group. We are friends, I have no doubts on that, but I can tell he also sees me as someone who has accomplished what he wants to do in college; lining up the double major, doing research. I know how to start the "can I work in your lab" conversation and interact with professors, where the machine shop is, what classes to take when and what not to take together. It's the little things, but they matter a lot. He amazes me every time I see him with enthusiasm and excitement for things that I just want to get done; and reminds me how fun life can actually be, if you let it. I like to think I helped him start the research conversation (though from there on out I'm sure he did fine enough himself), got him involved in AIAA, introduced him to things he could do to develop useful skills (some that I never got a chance to learn), while doing something good for the school. I look forward to finding out where he goes from here and keeping in touch. Perhaps I'll soon lose my "lead" that allows me to be a mentor now, that doesn't matter; it is nice to help someone along the path of their life in the direction they want to go with experience I may have earned the hard way. It also makes me realize how much I do, actually know.

On that note, it also makes me realize how many mentors I have had. I suppose the first ones are my parents, but that's not really the same; although they are amazing people that I still go to for advice, help, and support. My professors have been mentors as well, some more than others, of course, as has every club advisor SWE has ever had. But I have also had classmate mentors: AG freshman year, who claimed to be "training a new AG," and helped me get my foot in the door of student activities by helping me and my friend organize a big dinner event. She was also a fantastic peer tutor (as I found out the next year when we worked alongside). And oh yea, she always looked put-together, a feat I have yet to get down. RW, whom I idolized sophomore year, as he seemed to do everything and then some, while maintaining a fantastic GPA (he was active in several student orgs, worked as a learning assistant, and worked in research). Finally these past two years I have greatly looked up to ST, who commits to his work and projects like there is no tomorrow and also amazes me every day with the depth and breadth of his relationships with people, from family to professors in the department.

I suppose the purpose of this point is to bring to attention that a mentor does not need to be an official post, although it can be. We are also not limited to one mentor in a lifetime or one mentor at a time. Mentors are people we learn from and go to for advice. They are people who inspire us and support our endeavors. Those who volunteer information, as well, when it is wanted, without being asked, because they know what we are going through.

Look at your friends, family, and teachers. Is there someone who stands out particularly as a mentor to you? If you're brave, thank them the next time you see them.