Myriad of thoughts

Hating the word 'healthy' as applied to food. 'Healthy' can be a person who is not sick or weak/sickly. I suppose 'healthy' can be a habit that is known to promote health: brushing your teeth, doing yoga, jogging, sleeping enough, spending time with friends and/or family, etc. I suppose a diet can be 'healthy;' one that supplies necessary energy and nutrients to allow the body to function at a high level. But a food...there is no superfood you could live off of forever by itself. You need meats for protein and iron and omega 3 and maybe even some fat to satiate you. You need plants--fruits and vegetables and mushrooms for fiber and vitamins and minerals. The list goes on. Everything we can eat, we probably need a little of...'Healthy' is about balance; and one food can't have balance by itself.

Had a really hard week, but really satisfied with the results. I got some data (I want to say a lot, but it's not quite true...still, more than before), I tried an independent idea, I went to two workshops (Time Management and Python Resources for Science and Engineering), I jogged twice, I had an hour-long and very productive conversation with my advisor regarding research, funding, and summer vacation (possibly a trip to Russia?). Spent 14 hour days on campus. Cooked for myself, maybe twice. Anyway. Made me think that the best, most satisfying weeks, are the ones where you do a lot of work and can be proud of yourself :).

When I was at home last weekend, my mom leaned back and hit her head on the doorjamb on accident. While she was wincing and rubbing it, I asked if I should "kiss it and make it better." She goes "sure." Then when I did it, she tells me in a shocked voice: "wow, that actually worked!" Apparently she had always thought it was a way to calm kids down when they weren't actually hurt, just asking for attention. Live and learn, I guess? Go placebos!

Anyway...I'm cold, I have hw, taxes, and an episode of FNL to finish :). Also, Avenue Q on Friday! *excitement*

Early Weekend?

I had no time-related obligations this morning and had been on campus for 11 days straight (for various time frames), so around 9AM today I decided "not gonna push it." I might go in Sunday afternoon after I get back from a therapeutic weekend with Mom. I'm going in this afternoon as well, but only for ~2 hours before I catch my bus to go to see the family.

In between breakfast and packing and watching an episode of Castle, I googled "grad school depression." I'm not suicidal or anything, but my can't-seem-to-get-out-of-bed-and-start-the-day feelings sometimes make me wonder if I'm headed in a bad direction....Which may in fact be true, as I found the following from a blog in 2009:

...my class schedule seemed so light compared to the 12-hour days of class I used to put in during my undergrad, but something about the environment and the workload and the expectations and the looming deadlines combine to make me feel sometimes like I'm not cut out to be an adult. Or to do anything, really. Sunday nights, I get so anxious about starting the new week and all of the constant worry about my impossible to-do list that I just want to hide in my bedroom and not come out.

Strangely (or perhaps not), it is very soothing to know other people suffer the exact same problem! I'd highlight the parts of this that are particularly relevant, but it's hard to choose. The class schedule did seem light...though last semester it miraculously took up a majority of my days. Not sure how that happened. Not feeling like an adult. Feeling incompetent. Both true. Looking at 2nd and 3rd year grad students it seems like they've got it down...even my fellow first-year seems to have a much better grasp on it...I'm starting to think it's a learned skill, though, because (in spite of today) I am getting better about scheduling/time management/getting shit done. Finally, Sunday nights! I hate Sundays after 5PM with a burning passion! It's the end of a glorious period known as 'the weekend' and the next day you're expected to wake up early and go to campus and do groundbreaking research and homework and it all sort of gets to you.

Most of the suggestions I saw (all over the internet) were very apt: take care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise); spend time with people/develop relationships; find your passion and your love (you might be in the wrong place). Basically what I'm doing. So. I've really enjoyed my 4-hour vacation; now to pack up my stuff, go to campus, do some work and print some papers to read on the bus...

5 Steps Out of a Quarter Life Crisis

A Xanga post made me think on this...I think I've mentioned before that I've been in a omg-what-am-I-doing-am-I-even-good-enough-for-this-ahhh! state on and off since the beginning of the school year. And I'm not certain I can actually answer all the questions it entails. However, I have been taking steps that have made me feel much better about my situation. And here (some of them) are:

1) Talk about it. I've vented to at least 5 friends, and my mom. Each of them heard virtually the same story every couple of weeks...I kind of felt bad about it. Also certain thoughts/feelings took a while to breach because with friends and family you worry about how they see you. I've thought about going to the counseling center several times due mostly to these things: I didn't want to burden my friends and family with my emotions and I didn't want to seem weak. However, it seems that it has taken a turn for the better before I psyched myself up to do that, so I think I'll continue with friend-therapy. Perhaps make them cookies to make up for it. :)

2) Sleep. Eat. On a regular human schedule. These things have amazing effects on mood, productivity, outlook, energy levels, you name it. As a corollary, watch the vitamins (nutrient deficiencies can make you tired, who would have guessed?)

3) Do work. Sometimes you get into this mindset that you have all this shit to do, and you're not doing it, and you're a terrible person, and it just escalates into omg-why-am-I-even-alive?-ness. You know what? This is your run-of-the-mill temper-tantrum, adult-style. Kick yourself in the butt and do SOMETHING. ANYTHING that you would consider productive. Take an hour, but FINISH that homework problem without opening Facebook. You can cry. It's okay. You know what happens at the end though? You get this sense of accomplishment. Of conquering yourself (as well as the task at hand). And that builds on itself.

4) Develop or maintain your social structure. Make new friends--study groups, people you meet in the hallway, all of these are valid. There's a great feeling--something to do with being liked and being needed, perhaps--that comes from a new friendship :) Study groups also help get work done and give you perspective on where you stand.

5) Forgive yourself. This one was particularly hard for me...letting go of all those lazy evenings in front of the TV with a frozen pizza in hand. Sometimes, it's my willpower that needs a break, and that's what happens when it takes one. Breathe. Relax. Sleep in. Start the fight anew. :)

Resolution #2: Nix the snooze button.

Okay, I admit it. I just think there's too many things out of my control right now that I can't get up tomorrow and start a New Life. I don't know what's to blame for my lack of self control. Could be my upbringing, my diet, college, my friends (surely not!), or maybe, just maybe, it's my humanity. Thanks, Pat's-voice-of-reason-in-my-head.

So, I will resolve, this year, to make resolutions in sequence. When I accomplish one to my satisfaction, then and only then will I move on to the next.

Resolution 1: no flash games: consider it completed. :) I have barely thought about it for all 11 days of January (though I have on a few occasions). Basically it's getting boring just working on this one.

So, we move on to Resolution 2: Get up without using the snooze button. Or rather, snooze the alarm but get up before it goes off. 9 minutes. I can do this. Even if I fail the first few times. Basically, 2 hour snoozes have become the norm and cause me lots of self-kicking and guilt associated with that. And it's ineffective. So, no matter what the reason for choosing a wake-up time, I WILL get up when I decide.

Thoughts for a New Year...

"Break" is almost over, and it's been a good one. I managed to forget about school and work, relax, enjoy time with family and friends, get some reading done, and start thinking about myself and my life without disgust and disappointment. I have yet to analyze last semester and myself fully and create resolutions for this year or at least the near future on this basis. However, I have managed to accept a few thoughts thus far:

1) Flash games are the Devil. Quite literally; they tempt you and they suck you in and you trade your life for them and get nothing back. Incidentally, I am done with those!!! There are better ways even to waste time than playing those silly things. Granted, quitting cold turkey is a terrible idea, so I'm giving myself a loophole: if I genuinely want to play a specific game, over the weekend, when I have free time, I can still do that. So Motherload and Arcuz may still be in my life, but a whole lot less and in a way that does not take me away from work or studying.

2) Commit more [resources] to my health. I value my health in principle but I don't stand behind that principle, ever. I plan to get a few sessions with a personal trainer, maybe sign up for a class I'm genuinely interested in--a martial arts class or dancing, probably some yoga. I need to listen to my body's cues for eating and sleeping, too. Even when they're contradictory.

3) Focus. I've been pondering this for a while... I've been trying to multitask for years and the quality of my thinking has steadily declined. I need to relearn how to stay focused on one task, and the only way to learn that is to do it. So I'm going to start turning off IM and background movies when I'm studying, reading, etc.

4) Contact. I need to keep more of it with various branches of my family. I think it goes fairly well with friends; not ideally of course, but decently. I'm not entirely satisfied with Facebook, IM, and the very rare occasional phone call, but there are more pressing issues so I won't get my panties in a knot about it. Maybe later. I'll focus on those who SHOULD hear from me often but don't. If anyone is interested, the plan is to call family in Russia Saturday mornings, Sunday if that doesn't work out. Stupid time zones.

5) Positive hobbies. One of the things that comes to mind first about great people is that they are productive no matter if they're working or resting. I'm not planning to take up an interest in opera or Impressionist art, but I can focus my time on things that will genuinely help me develop as a person or create tangible benefits. I can read--I've taken it up and found I have missed it greatly--instead of watching one TV show after another. I'm not terribly picky about what I read exactly, anything will be fine, as long as I can say I'm a reader again. I can focus on one craft project at a time so that I actually finish them. I can use some of the time I have to read up on things in my field that interest me for fun. I can keep up with the news.

I've heard people like lists of 5 so I'll stop there, but I'm still thinking. I feel the need to take alone time in a pleasant environment (e.g. coffeeshop) to do some serious self-analysis, but that hasn't been possible yet. Once that happens I'll probably post a list of the key resolutions and/or goals for this year.

Building a Reputation

One of the things that genuinely sucks about starting in a new place: all the work you did to build up your persona in the old place is gone. Can't depend on it anymore. I have to prove once again that I am smart, persistent, analytical. And I have to get over my fear of speaking up. It's easy to speak up when you have aces in your corner. It didn't take me long at camp--I had graduated summa cum laude from college, en route to grad school in Aerospace. I was humble--I hadn't done their job before, after all--but as far as overcoming myself, I had a lot to draw on, by comparison to 18-19 year old (sorry) kids.

At IIT it took me about 2 years to gauge my classmates to the point where I could say "If I don't get this, no one does" and ask my question. Whereas starting grad school, it was more like "I don't get this, am I a dumbass?" and then not want to ask anything, hoping that when I get home and look at my textbook it'll all make sense. You know how the saying goes "Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."

It will happen in time, but that time passes with some degree of suffering.