The Good, the Bad, and the Difficult.

Sorry, Z, you got me thinking. Feel free to ignore the existence of this post. That goes for everyone, actually; it's really stream-of-consciousness and may not be exceptionally readable like the rest of my posts ;P.

I recently tweeted that bad days and weeks just happen but good weeks take a crapload of work to make happen. I don't mean weeks when it's your birthday and you win the lottery. I mean, the kinds of weeks when you finish enough of what's on your plate that you can feel satisfied in yourself. I'd say "you get everything done," but when does that ever happen? Never happens to me. Let's face it, our days of absolute freedom ended when we started school (or for some of us, even earlier). So, I don't necessarily classify a good week as one that is relaxing, or where I'm free to do whatever I want. I classify it as a week I am satisfied with because I accomplished what I set out to do...and if it's a vacation week, that something will most likely be relaxation, but otherwise, it probably won't.

A bad week is when I don't accomplish things. It may be because I was sick, or emotionally distraught, or like last week, when things just fall from my hands and turn sideways and go crooked and...you know the type. When you can't seem to do anything right. For some reason, those times cluster together. Generally, if there was no apparent reason for my bad week, I'll get fed up during it and make the next week a good one through sheer willpower. If there was, I still endeavor to make the next week good, because the bad week is over and I can (and should) move on.

So, now that a good and a bad week has been defined, what makes a good month? I find, my months are typically mediocre. Which I, out of optimism, classify as pretty good. There's usually a cycle with one extra good week, one bad week, and two so-so weeks. However, if something AWESOME happened (like a birthday, a holiday, a breakthrough in research, getting awesome semester grades, winning the lottery, etc), then it's a great month! If something awful happened (got disappointing/dangerous (for plans) grades, got hurt, got life-changing medical diagnosis, or worse...) then it was a bad month. It's kind of a rarity that awesome and awful things happen in the same month. If they do, it is classified as 'emotional turmoil'. Also, April has it in for me, particularly in the romance department.

Now, what about years. I think years are too long to slap a label on honestly. Like, last year, I have no idea how to classify. Some awesome things happened: I graduated college summa cum laude, I had a fantastic summer job, I became financially independent, got a credit card, became confident in my driving skills, met my roommates (:)). On the other thing, awful things happened. I suffered two losses in my family...one grandparent I was close to and one grandparent I wish I was closer to. Not only that, but I couldn't even be there for the rest of my family during this time except with the occasional phone call (well, if I had felt it would have helped, I could have...but there was next to nothing I could do). There's really not much to follow that, but they were dark days when I was heavy-hearted...and I feel the repercussions every couple of days. The final group is events that were ambiguous...bad but good too, or good then bad then good, or good then bad but better and soon will be good....

Now I clarify. In March I got diagnosed with PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome. It meant my metabolism and my hormones were screwy (liking the technical talk here?). On the one hand, it is a lifelong diagnosis that could affect my chances of having children. On the other, it was a serious warning that I need to seriously change my habits. Changing even a few of those took me a year. But it made me realize that this sort of change comes slowly; a very important lesson that keeps my motivation from getting sapped when I think about health and fitness now. Also, made me realize that it's not an all or nothing game, that being "half-healthy" is better than not at all. I'm also paying lots more attention to my body now, which is very good.

Another case of the ambivalent event was starting graduate school. Being accepted and offered a fantastic fellowship at U of I was awesome and a time of great pride for me, but once I actually got here, all the changes in my life seriously tripped me up. I honestly didn't feel like myself until November, when I got my hair cut and felt like I woke up from a long dream. Then I had my first good week all school year. :) After that, it still fluctuated a lot, but I had regained my faith that I can handle things and that good times are ahead. And of course, grad school will probably benefit my career significantly in the end, so let's call it a good thing in the long run. :)

Last example of ambivalent events is finding out that my family is moving to California. I'm happy because it simplifies my holiday plans significantly. However, I had been looking forward to having them nearby for at least a few more years. It's not fear or uncertainty at this point...just that I enjoy their company immensely; just because I love my family and love having them nearby does not mean I am in some way dependent on them. However, they haven't moved away yet, so I'm not sure I can really count this; although finding out had a major emotional impact.

All these ambivalent events I classify as "difficult." Things that were (or still are) hard to deal with, but that became valuable experiences in retrospect (or I am certain will become such). Or in the case of my diagnosis, it was a relief to know what was going on. I consider sleep deprivation-type busyness to be "difficult." I hate it, but it's educational and also means I'm busy enough that I have no time to sit around wondering if I'm being lazy or if I should be doing something I don't know about. (This happened at the beginning of the school year, sort of.)

So, my prognosis for the future? I think most years since middle school have been, are, and will continue to be overall 'difficult.' There is always stress galore, always bad things that drop down on us like lightning bolts and good things that are mostly earned through the aforementioned stress and accompanying work. Sometimes, fantastic things you never expected will suddenly happen--like meeting a fantastic person you fall in love with (and vice versa! important!), or being in the right place at the right time to take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

A year from Saturday, if I finish my 1000 mile challenge, I will be ecstatic, but this will be the result of work put in over the course of the year. Hopefully, I will be pleased with the results of the challenge (better physical fitness), long before that date...It will be a difficult year, but that does not mean it will be a bad one.

1000 miles

A lot of you know that I once wrote a story called "100 Miles" It's a cheesy prom story. Guys love it. Or at least they tell me they do. If you haven't had a chance to read it yet, it can be accessed here: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2180126/1/A_Hundred_Miles.

What just a few people know is that years later, I was jogging along and listening to Blink 182 and I had an epiphany. Kind of a sad one, actually. It went there are no happy endings. Actually, since it wasn't exactly articulated in words, it would be more like there couldn't have been a happy ending for them in high school. And so, the short story continued into a potential novel...a cheesy break up & put yourself back together story. (Sorry for the spoiler, but really, it is pretty predictable in that way, and I'm not apologizing for that.) The thing is, one tenet I wanted to put into the novel is a "mileage" of its own...after consulting with cross-country runners I knew, I thought 1000 miles over the course of a year was a nice round number...actually low for a runner in training & competition, but probably not too low for one who is heartbroken at least 1/3-1/2 of that time.

I was out for a run-turned-6-mile-walk the other day and I had a thought that's been steadily growing on me: I could run 1000 miles in a year. My typical run right now is about 1.4 including warm up/cool down walks of about 1-2 blocks (south to the park, around it, then back home). I can do that in 20ish minutes, 30 including getting ready. That's where I am now. I hope that with time and practice I can improve (or there is something seriously wrong).

If I were to spread 1000 miles evenly over the year, that's 2.7 mi/day. About twice what I run now, and I can't run every day; you need recovery time. 4-5 days a week would be ideal. That's 19.2 miles a week; almost 4-5 miles a day. Seems daunting. But if I bring it down to 10mi/week to start, say for the first month or two, that becomes 2 miles a day, 5 days a week....very much doable. I can even do 1.5 miles 4 times and then the remaining 4 miles on a weekend when I can cut out a longer chunk of time all at once.

I'm still fleshing out a few things about my plan:

• As I learned from the 'run-turned-walk' that started it all, some days I just can't run. It hurts. In various places. Obviously if I can't put in miles on those days, it will set me back lots, especially since these times sometimes last a week or more. On those occasions, and those occasions only, I'm thinking about logging miles by walking, at an 'exchange rate.' like half or 1/3 of the actual miles. This article references a study that says running vs walking uses 2x the energy per mile, after subtracting an estimated resting metabolic rate. Therefore I'm inclined to count 1/3 of the walking, to give myself a penalty, i.e. encouragement to run. I'm thinking if I find a place to go hiking, I could count 1/2 that because of the extra challenge of terrain...


• Problem 2: I don't know when I want to start...I want to pick a pretty round date so I can celebrate it at the same time next year if I succeed. May 1 seems really close and I have a presentation May 3...finals are in the teens of May, but after that I have a review of my research coming up so the extra stress of starting a new 'project' seems ill-advised. Though having a fitness "program" to stick with that I've already started may be helpful to my well being those few weeks.

I think that's about it for problems...I intend to go out in the mornings, because chances are taht otherwise I wont and because in the summer, mornings will be way cooler than afternoons.

So, what do you all think? Suggestions? Anyone want to join me?

Nutrition, and with emphasis on vegetarian, vegan diets

I was going to reply to F's comment on my previous post with a comment. But then I decided it merited a whole post. Now, this post requires some disclaimers. So here they are:

• I don't judge anyone on selecting a diet that works for their nutritional needs, morals, etc. I do judge people who then advocate their diet as the solution for everyone.
• I'm not a nutritionist, nor have I heavily perused scientific nutritional sources.
• Therefore, most of my opinions on the subject are secondhand. The main sources my opinions developed from are: my mother, the films Supersize Me and Fat Head, the TV show Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, thepaleodiet.com, westonaprice.com, and healthkicker.com (a xanga health blog).
• I have diet needs given me by my doctor; I require a high-protein/low-carb diet (note: not NO-carb).
• I have food preferences: most notably, I hate most legumes and most nuts. And the ones I don't hate, I barely like. I listen to my food preferences, because...
• I believe enjoying food is an important part of its consumption. Which means that while I greatly respect people who achieve diet results with structure (e.g. counting calories), I honestly can't do this because it 'takes the fun out' and makes me miserable.

My conclusion: the only way I can stick to a diet that makes my body happy (and I can feel it!) is to eat meat on a regular basis. It also becomes happy when I eat vegetables: tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, mushrooms, bok choy, peas, green beans, onions, carrots.... It becomes noticeably less happy when I have more than a little grains/starches. This usually happens when I'm stressed or busy and end up eating out/eating frozen a lot :\

I eat meat because I have good reasons I should and I don't have good a reason not to. My reasons I should are that one, it is delicious, and two, that it's basically incontrovertible that our paleolithic ancestors hunted and ate meat; it is a dense source of nutrients my body has evolved to use. It is a good source of protein, which has been recommended to me as a fuel; and it works. I eat red meat, chicken, fish, eggs.

I have heard reasons not to, don't get me wrong; however, I have never found any of them terribly strong. A common one is the 'moral' argument: how dare we kill poor little innocent animals to satisfy our bloody uncivilized tongues? (Alternatively, it's a boycott of the meat industry due to the conditions). Well, to the first question, I say, "How animal-centric!" I can take that argument one step further and ask why we must kill poor carrots and potatoes and beets in order to eat them. Basically, until we can synthesize sunlight into human energy, we'll have to kill something to eat it; and I don't rightly care if it's a plant or an animal. As long as it's not Soylent Green (which is people, by the way). Furthermore, the livestock we eat has been bred over millenia specifically for that purpose--there's no such thing as a wild Angus! These animals would not be alive were it not for our food needs; so really, I'm just giving them a chance at life. Finally, the 'conditions' argument. I actually agree with the principle of this one; there are better ways to raise animals for meat than in tiny enclosures; I'm sure they turn out more nutritious as well. Someday, when I am rich, I will support that industry. Until then...

I've also heard that veganism is more 'energy efficient' because it doesn't 'waste' energy as animal body heat. However, I've heard a counterargument that much of the world's pastureland can't be used for farmland anyway...so until someone figures this out decisively and lets me know, I'll keep eating my cow. [Related argument: heard that switching the whole world to organic farmland would also interfere with feeding the whole world due to lower yields as a result of pest activity. I could believe that.] Furthermore, a problem with being concerned about feeding the whole world is distribution/entitlement. People in some parts of the world don't have access to food not because they have no money but because there is no good market in the area to connect sellers and buyers! [see PBS WideAngle: The Market Maker.]

Since vegetarians and vegans are eschewing a common source of nourishment of our predecessors, I believe it takes a lot more effort, structure, and monitoring of the diet to make sure the right nutrients are received. Furthermore, a few nutrients are not available from 'allowed' sources (particularly for vegans) and must be taken from a supplement...which can be either animal-derived or synthetic.... (B12 is a common example.) As mentioned above, I feel trapped by schedules and lists and calculations when it comes to eating. Eating is fun! It's tasty! We should eat freely!

Based on advice from my mother, Jamie Oliver, and other sources, I confidently say that cooking and eating at home is important to a good diet. I think this should have been higher up on the list. Regardless, it's much easier to keep foods you are trying to limit out of your house and keep foods you are trying to focus on more accessible. I have eliminated grains as a necessary part of my meal by doing this (:)) I still eat grains, but I get a lot of them when I eat out (as a busy non-morning-person grad student, this happens a bit...), or when I don't have time to cook so I reach for frozen pizza. Minimizing those is the next step...I used to have bread or pasta or rice with basically every meal, and now I don't believe we need that much! (see: Paleo Diet). I'm now content with a piece of meat/chicken/fish and two or more types of vegetables prepared accordingly. If I eat that kind of dinner several days in a row I feel supergood :)

Via Fat Head and one of my friends, it has been floating around that veganism can lead to or exacerbate depression (maybe that B12 deficiency?)...I don't really want to mess with that.

I think I'm ready for final thoughts. There might be a lot of them.

• My mom once told me that she thinks a reason people lose weight on different diets is that they start watching what they eat, and that does it. I think I agree with that...it's awareness that wins that fight, not any particular prohibition.
• In fact, basing a diet of complete prohibition of something you like is probably the best way to fail.
• There's a lot of conflicting nutritional information out there; I've come to the conclusion that the science of nutrition doesn't actually have a solution for this particular problem yet. There's no universal diet plan for higher energy, better focus, clearer skin, healthier weight, etc. Everyone just experiments until they find the one that works for them...and then they advocate it to anyone who will listen, saying it's the only one that works. That diet isn't necessarily better than another; it just fit this person the best.
• I have no problem with vegetarianism and veganism...I dislike it being preached, I especially dislike it being preached as a 'healthy' lifestyle. I don't believe it is, because of the amount of grains that usually end up being consumed; especially true for me, given my needs and my preferences.

So, F, I would love to hear about your path to vegetarianism, perhaps you would like to refute some of my points...I will probably end up sticking with idolizing the Paleo diet and ultimately doing my own thing...

Myriad of thoughts

Hating the word 'healthy' as applied to food. 'Healthy' can be a person who is not sick or weak/sickly. I suppose 'healthy' can be a habit that is known to promote health: brushing your teeth, doing yoga, jogging, sleeping enough, spending time with friends and/or family, etc. I suppose a diet can be 'healthy;' one that supplies necessary energy and nutrients to allow the body to function at a high level. But a food...there is no superfood you could live off of forever by itself. You need meats for protein and iron and omega 3 and maybe even some fat to satiate you. You need plants--fruits and vegetables and mushrooms for fiber and vitamins and minerals. The list goes on. Everything we can eat, we probably need a little of...'Healthy' is about balance; and one food can't have balance by itself.

Had a really hard week, but really satisfied with the results. I got some data (I want to say a lot, but it's not quite true...still, more than before), I tried an independent idea, I went to two workshops (Time Management and Python Resources for Science and Engineering), I jogged twice, I had an hour-long and very productive conversation with my advisor regarding research, funding, and summer vacation (possibly a trip to Russia?). Spent 14 hour days on campus. Cooked for myself, maybe twice. Anyway. Made me think that the best, most satisfying weeks, are the ones where you do a lot of work and can be proud of yourself :).

When I was at home last weekend, my mom leaned back and hit her head on the doorjamb on accident. While she was wincing and rubbing it, I asked if I should "kiss it and make it better." She goes "sure." Then when I did it, she tells me in a shocked voice: "wow, that actually worked!" Apparently she had always thought it was a way to calm kids down when they weren't actually hurt, just asking for attention. Live and learn, I guess? Go placebos!

Anyway...I'm cold, I have hw, taxes, and an episode of FNL to finish :). Also, Avenue Q on Friday! *excitement*

"I want to not be afraid of the unknown."

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

~Tyra Collette, Friday Night Lights Season 3 Episode 13.

This was the last iteration of her college essay...her answer to the conversation below with her friend Landry:

Tyra: What, should I write about my trashy family, about the fact that my sister’s a stripper, or my mom is a high school drop out who drinks boxes of wine like it’s water? Or about the fact that I lost my virginity when I was thirteen, or the fact that my papa wasn’t around? How about that? Oh, I know what I should write about! The fact that up until two years ago I had enough hate in my heart to start a freaking car.
Landry: What changed?
Tyra: What?
Landry: You know, what changed from two years ago? Why, why did you stop having enough hate in your heart to start a freaking car?
Tyra: Jason Streep got paralyzed. (pause) I realized that he was this great guy, I mean like this hero, and it happened to him. And it, it made me realize that life isn’t fair for anybody. Not just me.
Landry: Alright, and what else?
Tyra: I don’t know, I became friends with Julie and Mrs Taylor started to take some interest in me. Started doing my homework. You. I met you. I started to feel like I was on the inside instead of the outside.

I know it's a movie that's expertly crafted to tug at heartstrings. But it's still...it's a good scene. I really like it. It moves me. That is all.

Early Weekend?

I had no time-related obligations this morning and had been on campus for 11 days straight (for various time frames), so around 9AM today I decided "not gonna push it." I might go in Sunday afternoon after I get back from a therapeutic weekend with Mom. I'm going in this afternoon as well, but only for ~2 hours before I catch my bus to go to see the family.

In between breakfast and packing and watching an episode of Castle, I googled "grad school depression." I'm not suicidal or anything, but my can't-seem-to-get-out-of-bed-and-start-the-day feelings sometimes make me wonder if I'm headed in a bad direction....Which may in fact be true, as I found the following from a blog in 2009:

...my class schedule seemed so light compared to the 12-hour days of class I used to put in during my undergrad, but something about the environment and the workload and the expectations and the looming deadlines combine to make me feel sometimes like I'm not cut out to be an adult. Or to do anything, really. Sunday nights, I get so anxious about starting the new week and all of the constant worry about my impossible to-do list that I just want to hide in my bedroom and not come out.

Strangely (or perhaps not), it is very soothing to know other people suffer the exact same problem! I'd highlight the parts of this that are particularly relevant, but it's hard to choose. The class schedule did seem light...though last semester it miraculously took up a majority of my days. Not sure how that happened. Not feeling like an adult. Feeling incompetent. Both true. Looking at 2nd and 3rd year grad students it seems like they've got it down...even my fellow first-year seems to have a much better grasp on it...I'm starting to think it's a learned skill, though, because (in spite of today) I am getting better about scheduling/time management/getting shit done. Finally, Sunday nights! I hate Sundays after 5PM with a burning passion! It's the end of a glorious period known as 'the weekend' and the next day you're expected to wake up early and go to campus and do groundbreaking research and homework and it all sort of gets to you.

Most of the suggestions I saw (all over the internet) were very apt: take care of yourself (eat, sleep, exercise); spend time with people/develop relationships; find your passion and your love (you might be in the wrong place). Basically what I'm doing. So. I've really enjoyed my 4-hour vacation; now to pack up my stuff, go to campus, do some work and print some papers to read on the bus...