Self-Motivation

Today, I found myself wondering whether there were really any self-motivated people out there.  It went kind of like this:

I wish I was self-motivated, but I'm not. I'm motivated by assignments and deadlines from my advisor, opinions of and pressure from my peers and friends, the expectations and hopes of my parents and family. When I drop the ball repeatedly, I feel like I am letting all or many of these people down.  Perhaps that strong sense of needing to live up to the expectations and to be well-thought of is internal, but ultimately without those external people, the motivation would be very low.

I suspect that my advisor, in turn, is motivated by pressures from her colleagues and bosses. She is probably motivated by expectations from her students, as well. If she's teaching a class, we expect her to come in prepared to lecture, to give us assignments and test our knowledge at the end. Slight variations are justifiable, but too far out of line and we will complain that we learned nothing. We also expect a certain degree of guidance and help in our research.  She is in meetings and on committees with other faculty that expect her contributions in other areas.

Similar chains of influence would continue up to the university president (or analogously, a company CEO, for example). These high ranking individuals, in turn, are probably driven largely by the needs and expectations of their subordinates on a day-to-day basis. I have little understanding of what kinds of activities occupy their days, but I surmise lots of meetings and correspondence are involved, and their presence as a figurehead and a decision-maker are required--again, much of the day-to-day motivation is external.

So, I guess I don't see where self-motivation occurs in the work setting. Or am I missing something?

After thinking through all that I turned to something else where motivation is apparent--hobbies.

Many people (myself included) have more of a tendency to start projects than to finish them. Perhaps, the ones that finish (more) projects are the more self-motivated? Perhaps it is the ability to carve out time for the one or two things that are truly interesting to you while tuning out the external influences that is a better definition of motivation? Still working on it, for myself.

New Year, New Resolution

This last year, I really learned to live by myself. I became comfortable with it. I know I said this a few months ago around my birthday and this was true...and it still is.  I've come a long way since last January and the preceding December (the two months before that, not so much progress).  And when I look back at my old resolutions, I think I've broken a lot of dependencies/addictions (flash games, TV shows via Hulu) and changed a major way of thinking (commit more resources to my health).  I could also argue that I was better at staying in touch with family and friends. My focus is...better than it was, though not perfect. More on that later.  Basically, I had a good year...

So good, I've had trouble coming up with good resolutions or a theme for this year. The old standbys...lose X pounds, do more work, etc. just don't cut it anymore. Those kinds of goals just don't work (and make me feel bad for not accomplishing them). 


Then, I looked at myself last night, and, in a flash, realized what my theme for this year needed to be. It's something I'm already doing, a little, but something I'd like to put more focus on. I'm going to call it "living for myself" (as a parallel to "living by myself").  What does this encompass? It means keeping my mind on my own goals, my own preferences and tastes, my own values and locking out unhelpful influences on these areas.

By this I mean, take 'productivity blogs' with a grain of salt (or maybe stop reading them altogether...though reading something I disagree with helps clarify my feelings and opinions, so I might continue reading them occasionally, anyway). Instead, analyze myself and my behaviors, then look for ways to improve them based on what I already know makes me feel good. Like, going to bed by 11 or midnight. Eating vegetables.  And yogurt. Having a social event to look forward to every week. Giving myself a complete day off from obligations every week. Keeping my house clean.  There's a million other little things that help me. And more importantly, there are a million little things that don't...like having a schedule I adhrere to, religiously. Getting up early.


I also want to lay out a career plan this year. This seems like something that could be done in a day or so, but really involves a lot of information gathering about my options after grad school.  I need to determine if research is something I want to strive to excel in, or if I can relax my expectations of myself in that department and work on advancing myself as an educator, which (based on my reading habits) seems to excite me a lot more. Basically, I need to set aside what 'people think' is the right thing to do with a PhD, and decide what I want to do with it.

I want to take charge of my education. I've been a rather passive student this past semester/year, which may partially explain why certain classes came across as boring to me.  But every class has places to branch out, look up other sources, etc.  Even outside of class, there are things I could be learning that would be helpful to my research and personally enriching to myself. This is one of those things that I enjoy a lot more than I expect to, so I really want to raise that expectation for myself so I do more of this kind of 'work'.


Finally, I want to find more fun activities that I enjoy and that give me a sense of accomplishment...sign up for athletic classes (yoga, ice skating), do more crafty things (finish some scarves), do more outdoorsy things (e.g. hiking), or blog more regularly about the small things that make me think, or wonder, or relate.


These are all just examples.  Just like a few years back I promised myself I'd make more healthy choices (and it worked!), my big resolve this year is to focus on developing me.  My personal identity that isn't influenced by the expectations and opinions of others, or (more realistically) is influenced much less strongly.


For the time being, I finally need to study for quals...

75.8 miles: Martyr complex

As I may have mentioned, the past year (roughly) has been a long-running experiment in creating a more balanced life. I've tried to get away from the 'academics above all' mindset that I have had since...middle school at the latest, and made an effort to include other things in my life, most notably physical activity and health in general, even when at times this comes at the expense of academic work. 

I can't say I've been terribly consistent with this mission, but it has been an overall direction I have tried to move in.   To that effect, I've spent some time thinking about how I work; what makes me feel good and what doesn't. What kind of complexes or 'тараканы в голове' I have.  A couple I knew in advance, like, that I do better when I feel I'm 'ahead' or doing well rather than when I feel like I am or I need to catch up.

Another, I've recognized recently is that I have a martyr complex.  One of the reasons I like to work late (after about 5 or 6 PM) is that I feel like I'm not expected to, so it's 'extra credit.' It's demonstrating my undying commitment to education and science!

Except that it really isn't. Because if I was really that committed, I'd work just as earnestly and have just as much motivation between 9 and 5 as I do outside these hours...

So, what to do? Is this complex something I should get rid of, or find a way to use?

I lean toward finding a way to use it. Along with my disposition for Nice Things (e.g. office supplies for HW, yoga pants, etc.), my discovery that for hardcore studying nothing beats EB's Bagels, that I like posting my miles-run total in my blog posts and watch it creep up, and I like getting gold stars for keeping up with my exercise plans :)

On another Life Balance Project topic: words I hate:

Productivity, networking, critical thinking, problem-solving, analysis (unless specifically defined in context), goal-setting, role-model, passion.

73.8 miles: "I Have Not Failed. I Have Just Found 10,000 Things That Do Not Work."

...it's a brilliant quote from Thomas Edison via Lifehacker.com today (or yesterday?).

...it's something I forget quite often. And as an engineer, I should know that success derives directly from failure.  You make a successful component by improving on one that failed. And then improving again. Etc.

...but usually when I find I did something that doesn't work the way I wish it did, my response is more like 'Well, shit. That was stupid.'

Maybe someday I'll make enough stupid mistakes to be brilliant?

Note: Thanks, M, for the correction. :-/

71.8 miles: Win!

Dear boringestpartofresearchproject,

I have pretty damn much completed you. And made you work. Today, I am full of win. :D

71.8 miles: Good week

Today, I am probably running my experiment for the first time, and...

IT  IS  TERRIFYING!

On another note, I feel like I worked really hard this week...on school, on research, on going for a jog yesterday and making it to Yoga on Tuesday.  My body feels totally beat...almost like my muscles don't even have the energy to complain anymore...however, today started on a kind of sucky note.  Left the house half an hour later than I wanted, and with no breakfast, meaning I'm now chilling at Panera when I should be headed to my lab to prep for the experiment...and I left my phone at home, which means I have to leave school EVEN EARLIER than I expected to get it for my trip.

However, really looking forward to a weekend in Chicago and probably lots of backrubs :) And I feel like I've earned it.

69.8 miles: Good Pumpkin.

I was a good pumpkin today.
-ate breakfast.
-fought off the hazy napping feeling in class. It's doable? It's that easy? Somehow, I gained an awareness of how it felt when it was just starting, not "OMG can't keep my eyes open" and was able to push that feeling away and concentrate on the lecture :)
-ate soup
-turned in paperwork to buy things/get moneys back for buying things. Finally.
-made the circuit components work. Boo-yah!
-ate yogurt.
-went to Panera for (whole grain) bagel and coffee and a read instead of getting chips from the vending machine and staring at the screen.
-came back and did paperwork and cleaned up.
-yoga!
-ate tomatoes and mozzarella.
-haven't popped a single Midol (this is an accomplishment).

Lessons learned today: Motivation is a choice. I can grow a steely backbone and not give in to the hazy/lazy feeling. I can keep up an internal mantra of "Really? You're better than that."  I can have the kind of day I'm proud to end!

69.8 Miles: I'm done.

I'm done. It's over. I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep questioning myself as a human being, as a scholar, as a student, as a worker.

I have time. Plenty of it. And I don't use it as I should, and that's awful.  Right now, I have enough time for everything I need to do; I'm not letting it get to the point where I don't.

Starting today, things are changing. Being tired is not an excuse for not doing things that need doing. It never was before.  Getting distracted is not a reason to not go to bed on time. The internet is not a good reason to avoid studying, working, or keeping up on housework.

I. Am. Better. Than. What. I'm. Doing. Now.

69.8 miles: Becoming a Responsible Adult

This post would not be complete without a reference to Hyperbole and a Half. Thank you Allie Brosh, you're awesome. Etc. That comic made me laugh...and cry a little on the inside. Because it was true...

I was talking to my mom yesterday. I was like "I really need to get my s**t together and become a responsible adult." [s**t added for emphasis. I didn't actually say it like that. Also it was in Russian.]

"Yes," replied my mother. "Me too."

I laughed hysterically.

List of responsible-adult things I have skills in doing:

• My laundry.
• Making food. Real food. With vegetables.
• Thorough cleaning and minor home repairs.
• Homework.
• Showing up/paying bills/doing things on time. Proof: I don't miss intercity buses or have overdue bills when there are consequences (having to get a new bus ticket or pay fines).
• Managing money. As in, not spending so much of my paycheck I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm pretty sure I live frugally, and feel like I'm not. :)
• Working out.
• Going to bed on time and waking up at a reasonable hour/early. If I either need to or both want to and got enough sleep.
• Tracking something about myself (I refuse to think I am incapable of jotting down a note every day).

List of responsible-adult things I don't actually do:

• My laundry, until I'm procrastinating or run out of something.
• Making real food. Microwave pizza? Sign me up. 3x a week. >_<
• Cleaning. Until I live in a sty.
• Homework, on time.
• Anything, on time that doesn't have such dire consequences (i.e. where an apology will do...or when I'm only breaking a promise to myself).
• Manag...actually I'll give myself this one. I do manage my money. :D
• Working out. Mostly, due to not finding time to when I have time and energy and outdoor light and tennis shoes and...get the picture?
• Going to bed on time, which logically leads to not getting enough sleep or getting up on time.
• Tracking something about myself (e.g. weight, temperature, hours spent on the internet, etc.)

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not doing as well in grad school as in undergrad (although my grades are unchanged), but frankly I'm just looking at it differently.  I'm looking for more balance in my life than I had before. I'm less willing to give up things like gym days (ok, I only have one, but I've kept it up since August, even though I skipped one for an important occasion, so that's a start! :) ), or trips to Chicago on my weekends.  I'm not just throwing myself at my work in fits and bursts, I'm trying to find a passion and a drive for it, in the context of a lifestyle that will be sustainable.  Balancing my work, my health/self/body, and my personal/social life.  I have a responsibility to all of these, and while I can't neglect my work and personal life to take care of my body (in the sense of committing to some insane program or whatever), I also can't neglect the other things.   I need my socialization for happiness and joy, and my work for a sense of accomplishment. I need all these things to be fulfilled.

The problem, as ever, is time.  Wanting to be home to cook a tasty and delicious dinner (rather than having reheated leftovers twice a day :/) but also wanting to get a workout in.  Wanting to be around for an evening study group, too.  

Today went surprisingly well...I crashed around 10 PM last night because I noticed myself getting distracted and knew that 4 hours of work without distraction (4-8AM) would be worth more to me than 4 hours of work with an AIM conversation in the background (10PM-2AM)...I would also be more awake and focused.  And strangely enough, today, again, I am noticing that my time now is worth less (productivity-wise) than my time in the morning would be.

Of course,  I also had weird energy swings today as a result...but all in all, surprisingly well-rested for what turned out to be more like 5 hours of sleep.

So for the sake of experiment, I'm trying to reallocate my time this week. I'm becoming a morning person for as long as I can sustain it (i.e. it might just be tomorrow, or it might be all week).  I doubt it'll continue indefinitely...but maybe it will cement this feeling of KNOWING that I can reallocate my time. That time tomorrow may actually be more valuable than time today...while I have always mentally understood this, it was hard on an emotional level...sometimes, I just want today to continue, because I don't have to do anything else today...but with tomorrow come new responsibilities.  This is a terrible mindset...there is nothing to fear in tomorrow.  Tomorrow is opportunity, and freedom, and (let's face it) weekday tomorrows bring us closer to weekends, and good things happen on weekends :)

So, this week? Looking forward to tomorrows. Doing Things in the morning, before work. Taking the 8:18 bus. Being A Responsible Adult, the trial run.

Hey, I can always go back to a student lifestyle next week. ;)

Birthday

Today, I am 23.

I guess nothing really happens at 23, but it feels important to me.  23 is a very adult age.  It's no longer a (typical) college-age. Most 23 year olds have jobs.  It's not a weird age to get married, or have children. It's also not a weird age to...not get married and not have children. To enjoy one's independence, be a workaholic during the week, and party on the weekend, and possibly date.  23 is a fun age, but also an age where you feel you should know what you want.  You are working on the rest of your life now; not on experimenting or preparing...it's now. It's happening. You need to be working for it.  You and no one else. It's a lot terrifying, and also a bit empowering.

I wake up this birthday in the exact same location as I did a year ago, which is a rather unusual situation, after college. And yet I enter this year very different than I entered the last year.

This year, unlike last, I didn't gain independence, but I gained confidence in that independence.  Being on my own and taking care of myself is no longer new to me; it's a given.  Last year, going back to the parents would have been embarrassing, but tolerable...now, circumstances would need to be quite severe to warrant living at home again.  I didn't really gain new experience in this field, but I've gained distance, perspective, self-assurance.  I'm in a good place.

This year, I lost something...and gained something.  I can't say I have a new special person in my life, nor that an existing person became more special, since I felt he already was.  But I got something I really wanted for a very long time, and it's a wonderful, wonderful feeling.  Over the past years, I have learned a fair bit about love through this person, and looking back, I can put it into words.  I can understand why my mom insisted that unrequited love was crucial to emotional development. Perhaps I'm wrong in the conclusions I drew, and I will learn with time. For now, I believe I have learned that true love (the good, pure love we all seek) is non-possessive.  To explain this would take longer than I wish to commit here; if you want, we can talk about it.  Let me just finish for now with: love is a great feeling. Requited love is a fantastic, mind-blowing feeling.  And I'm really glad I got to have that experience, again.

This year, I got another kind of love, too.  Beautiful, unconditional love from one's own blood.  I got to see family I hadn't seen in 10 years.  And 16 years. And never (because Ivan is 12).  I got to stand on 'my' soil once more.  I quote because...because some of the time on 'my' soil, I felt very much the stranger, the outcast, even a foreigner.  Nonetheless...seeing places I had stepped as a very, very young child, remembering things I should have forgotten, laughing and crying with people I was inexplicably close to after only a few days (that I remember) in their company...and putting flowers on graves.  My trip to Russia was, overall, bittersweet. Not that anything bad happened; just sadness at having missed events and people, also at realizing that my life was not there no matter how hard I tried or how often I visited...That an entire branch of my family was now no longer fated (I think) to continue on Russian soil.  More sadly, that everything my grandparents and great grandparents had worked their butts off for, to pass off to their children, was impossible to pass to us.  Or even if it was, that it would fall into disrepair and ruin...And my children won't have the ancient family dacha they could have (in a very different life) had, full of relics of the Soviet 1960s, their test pilot great-great-grandfather, etc. One which I, if ever so briefly, got to experience. I am lucky in that.

Speaking of family, this year, mine moved away.  Farther away than I can go visit for a weekend.  Far enough that I will probably not see them more than once a year...though maybe twice, if I'm lucky.  It's strange and sometimes unsettling, but I can laugh about the fact that as usual, my parents had to reverse 'the way of things' and move away from their kid instead of the other way around.  I applied to graduate schools everywhere; it was convenient having my family three hours away, but something I was willing to forgo for my education. And now, I have to. It's not surprising. Again, bittersweet.  Bitter to be far from people I care about, sweet to know I can handle it, and again bitter to realize how little it affected me, how easily I made that transition.

Which brings us back to...growing up. Growing older. Growing wiser. It's all happening.  Sometimes, it puts a spring in my step. Other times, it makes me want to curl up in a ball in bed and never climb out.  I guess that's life, overall. I had a tumultuous year. Other interesting things happened...I made some new friends. I opened a savings account. I found out my credit score. I got an office with a window. I got drunk; like, really drunk.  I sent a package through international mail.  I got a television. I made borscht.  A lot of milestones.  I'm sure I have a lot left to go, though.

This year, I hope I can buckle down and find the balance and maturity I've sought for many years now (I know, how likely is that? But a girl can hope.)  Somehow, I feel like this year, for me, has been the growing experience most people have when they start college.  I let go of some of my previous convictions and tried new things, and they worked out pretty well, overall.  However, it's time to remember that I'm here for a reason, and I'm working for something.  That I'm trying to get results, to draw conclusions, to become a scholar.  A creator, distributor, and trader of knowledge.  An expert.  I don't know what this says about me...but no matter how down I was when I went back to that decision, I always had to confirm that, yes, I do believe I have it in me to be all these things.  That's something.  So, here's to 23.  Here's to trying earnestly with every fiber of my being to be healthy, happy, and also accomplished for another year!