This last year, I really learned to live by myself. I became comfortable with it. I know I said this a few months ago around my birthday and this was true...and it still is. I've come a long way since last January and the preceding December (the two months before that, not so much progress). And when I look back at my old resolutions, I think I've broken a lot of dependencies/addictions (flash games, TV shows via Hulu) and changed a major way of thinking (commit more resources to my health). I could also argue that I was better at staying in touch with family and friends. My focus is...better than it was, though not perfect. More on that later. Basically, I had a good year...
So good, I've had trouble coming up with good resolutions or a theme for this year. The old standbys...lose X pounds, do more work, etc. just don't cut it anymore. Those kinds of goals just don't work (and make me feel bad for not accomplishing them).
Then, I looked at myself last night, and, in a flash, realized what my theme for this year needed to be. It's something I'm already doing, a little, but something I'd like to put more focus on. I'm going to call it "living for myself" (as a parallel to "living by myself"). What does this encompass? It means keeping my mind on my own goals, my own preferences and tastes, my own values and locking out unhelpful influences on these areas.
By this I mean, take 'productivity blogs' with a grain of salt (or maybe stop reading them altogether...though reading something I disagree with helps clarify my feelings and opinions, so I might continue reading them occasionally, anyway). Instead, analyze myself and my behaviors, then look for ways to improve them based on what I already know makes me feel good. Like, going to bed by 11 or midnight. Eating vegetables. And yogurt. Having a social event to look forward to every week. Giving myself a complete day off from obligations every week. Keeping my house clean. There's a million other little things that help me. And more importantly, there are a million little things that don't...like having a schedule I adhrere to, religiously. Getting up early.
I also want to lay out a career plan this year. This seems like something that could be done in a day or so, but really involves a lot of information gathering about my options after grad school. I need to determine if research is something I want to strive to excel in, or if I can relax my expectations of myself in that department and work on advancing myself as an educator, which (based on my reading habits) seems to excite me a lot more. Basically, I need to set aside what 'people think' is the right thing to do with a PhD, and decide what I want to do with it.
I want to take charge of my education. I've been a rather passive student this past semester/year, which may partially explain why certain classes came across as boring to me. But every class has places to branch out, look up other sources, etc. Even outside of class, there are things I could be learning that would be helpful to my research and personally enriching to myself. This is one of those things that I enjoy a lot more than I expect to, so I really want to raise that expectation for myself so I do more of this kind of 'work'.
Finally, I want to find more fun activities that I enjoy and that give me a sense of accomplishment...sign up for athletic classes (yoga, ice skating), do more crafty things (finish some scarves), do more outdoorsy things (e.g. hiking), or blog more regularly about the small things that make me think, or wonder, or relate.
These are all just examples. Just like a few years back I promised myself I'd make more healthy choices (and it worked!), my big resolve this year is to focus on developing me. My personal identity that isn't influenced by the expectations and opinions of others, or (more realistically) is influenced much less strongly.
For the time being, I finally need to study for quals...
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