I have been judging some of my friends on some of their qualities lately. It was bothering me. Why did it bother me that said (male) friend was uncomfortable with dirt? Or spiders? Or smells? Then it occurred to me, these qualities bother me in women just as much as men. The only difference is that society gives women a 'pass' when it comes to 'macho' qualities; just like men get a 'pass' when it comes to 'prissy' qualities. So, while I realize that this is one of those types of posts that shows up all the time, I feel I have a unique take on it, so here goes: What Real Men (and Women) Do!
By the by, this list is idealistic. No one can possibly have all of these qualities 100%. There are legitimate illnesses, phobias, etc. I'm talking about qualities that society has generally found admirable in men (or women) that women (or men) should also have.
Real men (and women!)
1) Control their emotions, within reason. Men have traditionally been expected to be stoic. But the thing is, we as a society are so over women swooning and crying and fainting over everything. We're also (or at least we should be) over bitchy women going off the handle; same for men. You're an adult for goodness' sakes! Just be civil!
2) Do not fear.
Men do the dirty work around the house, crush bees and spiders in their bare hands, go camping for fun, and come home smelling like a week of sweat and dirt. Well, honestly? There's no reason women can't...and should, do the same things! Granted, I feel crushing insects is unsanitary and (in the case of bees) unsafe, so grab a tissue. But don't have 'the man in your life' do it for you, ladies! More fundamentally, as my mother taught me, there is nothing wrong with getting dirty as long as you get clean again when socially appropriate. Shower for an hour after a week camping, wash your hands after digging in the garden or fixing your bike (or car).
3) Take charge of their life.
Colleges no longer offer an MRS. degree. Even if you end up as a stay-at-home-mom, you should have a career. You should have interests. You should get an education (to whatever level is appropriate). Nothing is wrong with staying home with your kids for their formative years ; but even as a stay-at-home-mom, one should be striving to keep up with the state of their particular art. Every woman should be able to provide for herself if things with her man go south, or in any other contingency. Shit happens in life. No one should be powerless.
Real women (and men!)
4) Take care of themselves.
Shower. Brush teeth. Eat good, proper meals. Do all those things your mom reminded you to do until you moved out. There are men and women both that miss the mark on this one, but stereotypically it's men.
5) Develop and exercise taste.
XL stained white t-shirts when you're a size medium? Tasteless. As are grubby saggy jeans, torn up dirty sneakers, etc. Dirty anything, really. I'm not above a sweatshirt day once in a while (or even often), but when you're trying to impress someone, grubby doesn't cut it. Girls are known for 'cute outfits,' but guys have just as much responsibility for their appearance, demeanor, and vocabulary as girls do. They just get away with infractions much easier.
6) Cook and 'keep house.'
First of all, cooking is a life skill. It's like dressing yourself in the morning. Second, nothing is hotter than a guy with laundry detergent. Or a broom. This connects with the need for men and women to be in control of their lives; essentially, it comes down to being an independent, self-sufficient individual. Society doesn't need people that need to be taken care of.
So, that's my incomplete list of qualities we all need to have. :)
*like*
ReplyDeleteVery much in favor of un-gendering virtues such as the above.
Couple things I'd disagree with, though:
1. I'm made kind of uncomfortable by all the "should"s in point 3. I very much agree that taking charge of one's life is generally a good thing, but I'm not sure it makes sense for anyone other than the person in question to mandate that the specific steps you list are what it means to take charge of one's life. I'd say we shouldn't have different expectations on this front for women than for men, but we also shouldn't necessarily expect certain things of women as proof of independence.
2. About point 5: I agree that divergent gendered standards of appearance are problematic, but I'd say that the solution to that is *less* strictness on this front, not more. I'd rather there be less pressure on women to look nice than more pressure on men.
Other than that, absolutely yes.
Oh, also, a post on "real ____" that I really like: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/02/i-write-letters.html
Z, thanks for commenting :)
ReplyDeleteWith regards to the 'shoulds' in item 3, I felt they were more like guidelines than 'steps'. I was expanding my idea of things that are involved in being in charge of one's life...mostly from the standpoint of self-sufficiency (or potential therefor). Perhaps not all of them are, but I don't know which ones aren't--education? Not everyone needs grad school, or even college, but everyone should have a high school education both for their own good (career opportunities for themselves, advantage of help in high school courses for their children, finally to guarantee the country a responsible citizenry--those are the ones that immediately come to my mind). Basically, I meant two things: people should avoid situations where they are 100% dependent on someone else, and also try and find time away from people depending on them to engage in hobbies, etc. and better themselves. I feel like traditionally, men have done this more than women, who were expected to sacrifice their interests, aspirations, etc to take care of their families.
As for 5, clothes are a form of communication. It's a way to give visual cues about our character to people around us. And like all forms of communication, some people are better at it than others. Still, I hold that pjs belong at home, sweats at the gym, jeans in class, slacks in the boardroom. I think we could do with more flats and less heels in the women's dress shoes (currently bothering me, lol). Basically, I think it would be detrimental to disregard appearance entirely; I'm more a fan of making dress clothes soft and comfy :) (My slacks are as comfy as sweats!)