77.8 miles: Junk and Gourmet

So, I was contemplating a conversation with someone about music today, and realized that I have an interesting ability to appreciate junk as well as gourmet offerings in a number of areas.

An obvious one is food. I love a refined palette of flavors on my plate. Sushi, aioli, prosciutto, arugula...probably not at the same time, but good, tasteful ingredients thoughtfully combined make very tasty food. And yet on the flip side I have the occasional craving for a fast-food cheeseburger and fries, potato chips, gummy bears, pizza.  That isn't to say either (or both) of these categories are my whole diet. Most of what I eat falls in-between: a few sliced tomatoes with onions, salt, and sunflower oil, or mozzarella, basil, and olive oil. PB&J on whole wheat with natural PB (peanuts & salt) and redcurrant jelly. A colorful beef stir-fry with carrots, onions, bell peppers, and snow peas. A roast chicken to eat for a week. Greek yogurt with a little strawberry jam for flavor.  Everyday, affordable (mostly) ingredients combined in quick ways that still make tasteful food.  But when it comes to treats, I can take the high road and go for sushi or the low road and grab a greasy burger, and either will be delicious.

Same goes for movies. I can appreciate a deep, thoughtful, artistic film. And the next day I'll watch a mind-numbing teen chick flick. In music, I can appreciate a talented artist who writes good lyrics and puts them to an appropriate, creative tune. Or I can appreciate a catchy, redundant song that nevertheless has lots of feel-good quality to it.  I'll never call it good music, but it will probably end up on my workout playlist. Music is actually interesting because I'll feel a lot less appreciation for mediocre music...that's neither truly good nor catchy-bad. Then again, my tastes in music are mysterious and varied....

In books, I clearly like thoughtful, intricate, and/or original writing...recently, of course, Name of the Wind captured my imagination. Not a particularly original story in most senses, but beautifully crafted (it has its original moments...I like his concept of dragons).  George RR Martin, of course, cannot be beat for intricacy in Song of Ice and Fire. Most recently, I've been re-reading and continuing to read Earth's Children by Jean M. Auel.  While at times boring with multiple descriptions of the ice age setting, I know of no other author who writes about that time period, particularly with so much archeological accuracy.  This isn't limited to adult books: I find beauty in the classic Peter Pan, in the thoughtful but almost universally accessible Harry Potter.  I love Diana Wynne Jones for her artful characters and the bizzare circumstances she crafted to bring them together.  Yet at the same time, I've made it through Twilight (only the first and before it was popular, I was unimpressed), a number of Sarah Dessen books, The Princess Diaries, and many others. I'm not including Tamora Pierce, as her books are 'comfort food for my brain' and probably affected my ideology more than I'd care to admit. But in retrospect, many of the other books weren't particularly good in any way that usually matters.  But the plot, and the character's naive and simplistic problems...these things are like a catchy tune. They draw you in against your better judgement (or mine, anyway).  Granted, when I do get hooked on one of these books, I finish it in a matter of hours and feel good. Relaxed. Sastisfied that I found out what happened; most of the satisfaction of finishing a book in 1/4 the time! So maybe not such a waste of time after all.


So the point of all this? I think definitions of good or bad are very screwy in categories like the above.  They can simply be satisfying in different ways. And ultimately, it is prudent...no, convenient to live the middle ground and experience everything available.  You are not restricted by "OMG I can never eat that!" or "This is dumb!" but instead are able to find good things about every experience.  Now, I say convenient because as I read once, "You can like what you choose, but you can't choose what you like."* Some kinds of food, or music, or literature may grate on your nerves or make you fall asleep. I hate beans, squashes and eggplant. I fall asleep to most classical music. I can't stand movie sets that look marginally fake (Edward Scissorhands comes to mind) as opposed to very realistic or even obviously fake (e.g. Peter Pan, 2003).  I did not like reading Thomas Hardy, or Shakesperean tragedies, or any Russian classics I've tried.  I'm a huge supporter of "you can't choose what you like."

I guess that's my ultimate point: we don't choose what we like.  We have to make peace with our likes and dislikes, figure out and accept the value they are providing to us.  And of course, in spite of all my jesting to the contrary, no judging others based on these things, either!

Self-Motivation

Today, I found myself wondering whether there were really any self-motivated people out there.  It went kind of like this:

I wish I was self-motivated, but I'm not. I'm motivated by assignments and deadlines from my advisor, opinions of and pressure from my peers and friends, the expectations and hopes of my parents and family. When I drop the ball repeatedly, I feel like I am letting all or many of these people down.  Perhaps that strong sense of needing to live up to the expectations and to be well-thought of is internal, but ultimately without those external people, the motivation would be very low.

I suspect that my advisor, in turn, is motivated by pressures from her colleagues and bosses. She is probably motivated by expectations from her students, as well. If she's teaching a class, we expect her to come in prepared to lecture, to give us assignments and test our knowledge at the end. Slight variations are justifiable, but too far out of line and we will complain that we learned nothing. We also expect a certain degree of guidance and help in our research.  She is in meetings and on committees with other faculty that expect her contributions in other areas.

Similar chains of influence would continue up to the university president (or analogously, a company CEO, for example). These high ranking individuals, in turn, are probably driven largely by the needs and expectations of their subordinates on a day-to-day basis. I have little understanding of what kinds of activities occupy their days, but I surmise lots of meetings and correspondence are involved, and their presence as a figurehead and a decision-maker are required--again, much of the day-to-day motivation is external.

So, I guess I don't see where self-motivation occurs in the work setting. Or am I missing something?

After thinking through all that I turned to something else where motivation is apparent--hobbies.

Many people (myself included) have more of a tendency to start projects than to finish them. Perhaps, the ones that finish (more) projects are the more self-motivated? Perhaps it is the ability to carve out time for the one or two things that are truly interesting to you while tuning out the external influences that is a better definition of motivation? Still working on it, for myself.

New Year, New Resolution

This last year, I really learned to live by myself. I became comfortable with it. I know I said this a few months ago around my birthday and this was true...and it still is.  I've come a long way since last January and the preceding December (the two months before that, not so much progress).  And when I look back at my old resolutions, I think I've broken a lot of dependencies/addictions (flash games, TV shows via Hulu) and changed a major way of thinking (commit more resources to my health).  I could also argue that I was better at staying in touch with family and friends. My focus is...better than it was, though not perfect. More on that later.  Basically, I had a good year...

So good, I've had trouble coming up with good resolutions or a theme for this year. The old standbys...lose X pounds, do more work, etc. just don't cut it anymore. Those kinds of goals just don't work (and make me feel bad for not accomplishing them). 


Then, I looked at myself last night, and, in a flash, realized what my theme for this year needed to be. It's something I'm already doing, a little, but something I'd like to put more focus on. I'm going to call it "living for myself" (as a parallel to "living by myself").  What does this encompass? It means keeping my mind on my own goals, my own preferences and tastes, my own values and locking out unhelpful influences on these areas.

By this I mean, take 'productivity blogs' with a grain of salt (or maybe stop reading them altogether...though reading something I disagree with helps clarify my feelings and opinions, so I might continue reading them occasionally, anyway). Instead, analyze myself and my behaviors, then look for ways to improve them based on what I already know makes me feel good. Like, going to bed by 11 or midnight. Eating vegetables.  And yogurt. Having a social event to look forward to every week. Giving myself a complete day off from obligations every week. Keeping my house clean.  There's a million other little things that help me. And more importantly, there are a million little things that don't...like having a schedule I adhrere to, religiously. Getting up early.


I also want to lay out a career plan this year. This seems like something that could be done in a day or so, but really involves a lot of information gathering about my options after grad school.  I need to determine if research is something I want to strive to excel in, or if I can relax my expectations of myself in that department and work on advancing myself as an educator, which (based on my reading habits) seems to excite me a lot more. Basically, I need to set aside what 'people think' is the right thing to do with a PhD, and decide what I want to do with it.

I want to take charge of my education. I've been a rather passive student this past semester/year, which may partially explain why certain classes came across as boring to me.  But every class has places to branch out, look up other sources, etc.  Even outside of class, there are things I could be learning that would be helpful to my research and personally enriching to myself. This is one of those things that I enjoy a lot more than I expect to, so I really want to raise that expectation for myself so I do more of this kind of 'work'.


Finally, I want to find more fun activities that I enjoy and that give me a sense of accomplishment...sign up for athletic classes (yoga, ice skating), do more crafty things (finish some scarves), do more outdoorsy things (e.g. hiking), or blog more regularly about the small things that make me think, or wonder, or relate.


These are all just examples.  Just like a few years back I promised myself I'd make more healthy choices (and it worked!), my big resolve this year is to focus on developing me.  My personal identity that isn't influenced by the expectations and opinions of others, or (more realistically) is influenced much less strongly.


For the time being, I finally need to study for quals...