39.7 miles: How I lost my faith in humanity...and gained it back again.

So, I was sitting at Corner Bakery in Union Station today on my layover between Megabus and Metra, and I witnessed an appalling scene. Well, actually, I'm judging based on only partial information here, but I think my assessment was fairly accurate in this case. When the commotion ensued, I looked over and a middle-aged guy with a backpacking-backpack and 2 other bags was trying to sit down at a table (I'd say next to mine, but that would be redundant as the seating area is tiny). The problem? He had put down one of his bags in an empty chair at another table. The table (for 4) was occupied by a Cubs fan and his two lady friends. I didn't hear the first comment (by Cubs fan, henceforth A-hole), but I suspect it was rude. The middle aged guy (henceforth: Backpacker), responded akin to "I'm sorry, I just need to sit down to use the internet.") I again missed A-hole's next comment, but Backpacker removed his bag from the seat, asking "You would call the police if I leave my bag there?" incredulously. To which A-hole responded "Not only would I call the police, I would f**k you up!" (Censorship added). What followed was a back-and-forth with Backpacker feeling he was "threatened" and that "we don't treat people like that here," and "this is a public place!" and A-hole using words like "pussy" to describe Backpacker. The only reasonable sentiment came from one of the ladies, who at one point wisely suggested that "Ohmigod, everyone at this table needs to, like, shut up!"

Now, you have probably guessed that my sympathies lay with Backpacker; however, I actually feel that the situation was escalated and perpetuated by both parties. Sure, Backpacker probably set his stuff down without asking...but it was an empty chair and he was obviously overburdened (it was obvious if you saw him) and tired. Any (in my opinion) reasonable, decent human being, even if he/she was bothered by this, would have asked politely "Excuse me, would you mind moving your bag?" possibly after Backpacker sat down. Or "Excuse me, are you planning to move that in a second?" before he did. I'm guessing that A-hole's response was more akin to "What the hell, dude? Get your sh** out of here!" Backpacker, on the other hand, could have moved his stuff and kept his mouth shut instead of starting a moralistic lecture(it's like getting into internet arguments...see xkcd). No one wants to be told they're being rude by a stranger on the street (or in a train station).

So, that was the losing faith part. Made slightly worse by the fact that I felt terrible for Backpacker, but didn't want to get involved (perhaps wanted to see if they would figure it out on their own, which they did). I did give him a small smile as I left. And he thanked me for throwing my trash away o.O I only actually realized what it was he was thanking me for after I had practically left, so I couldn't even brush it off properly. So, the experience seemed somewhat incomplete on my end, having not given him reassurance of my siding with him there.

Fortunately, on the next leg of my journey I was in a Metra car with a couple with a baby (maybe 8 mos old?). They were all, collectively, adorable (and the baby independently adorable as well, of course). Furthermore, when the conductor came by, she got distracted by their baby and accidentally punched the 10-ride pass twice instead of once like they wanted/needed. They pointed this out, and she was immediately super-apologetic, started thinking of ways to fix it, and ended up writing a note on the ticket as well as giving them her phone number in case they had trouble with it, even though (according to her) they shouldn't. Furthermore, as she was doing this, the couple got slightly flustered and started saying that it was fine, no big deal, etc. Which is the part that restored my faith in people :D Because sometimes not making a fuss over a few dollars is just easier on everyone. Still, the conductor had already figured it out so she wrote them a note, reasoning that "a ride is a ride." Points for righteous business practices/customer service people. :D Further restoring my faith in humanity.

Incidentally, I currently have a pretty terrible opinion of Cubs fans.

39.7 miles: Tornadoes

In a word, they suck. That is all.

Also, I got my run in before it came. 1.8 miles at an 11.1 pace.

On yet another note, my computer's acting up. I may splurge on a new one before September :\

34.9 miles: Objective Proof That All People Suck

Read a really emotional series of comments today in response to a woman's post talking about how her coworkers and friends seemed to be looking down on her choice to have a baby. It spawned a lot of animosity from 3 different sides:

• People agreeing that their friends and/or usually their coworkers were very unsupportive (if not downright critical) of their choice to have children; and/or to have more than (2-3) children. Lots of anger at everyone who has such an attitude.
• People who were or believed they were choosing to remain childless their whole lives. These were generally of the opinion that people with families were obsessed with their children and had to talk about them all the time. Which clearly was not the case or the problem. They were also very much of the opinion of "You get 6 weeks off because you chose to do this, and you expect the rest of us to pick up the slack for the same salary?!"
• Stay-home-moms who feel looked down on by everyone (child-having and child-less) for "being lazy" or "not living up to [their] potential." Furthermore, they criticize working moms for not being able to parent their children as well because children are in daycare from an early age.

I hate that there is such animosity here on all fronts! Here is why:

• I don't think it needs to be said that working and parenting are incredibly difficult things to do simultaneously. Yet, if you want to develop a career and have children, you really have a limited time frame in which to do these things. So you multitask. Their parenting may partially be reflected in their choice of daycare or nanny rather than lots of time spent with their kids; but they are still strongly influencing the kids' upbringing. Furthermore, parenting is as much about quality as quantity. A good parent will be a good parent whether they work or not. I believe that. Furthermore, a parent can be a good worker; especially if they have a good support system. But we also shouldn't be making anyone work 60 hour weeks to advance their career. Even childless people need that time off, to spend with friends, spouses, SO's, alone, etc.
• I can respect the choice to not have children due to any reason, as long as it's genuine: medical/genetic, financial, or even (especially) a matter of preference. People who don't like or want children don't need to have them. However, I think it is completely rude for those same people to not respect our need as a society to have people who do reproduce (by the whole "how dare your choices impinge on my life!"). Or respect the right for those people to still want a career. Perhaps, while they are parenting, they will work less hours, take weird times or days off, and have emergencies. Or perhaps they'll have the most predictable children ever. Fact of the matter is, there are other causes for these behaviors besides children...chronic illness (or ill health), or accident; emergencies with friends, spouses, parents; home repairs...some things will be choices, many will not. Everyone takes days off; admittedly not everyone gets maternity leave, but that's a pretty special case of "illness"...or more generally "health." Ultimately, it's been shown that women who have children slow their progress up the corporate ladder; so perhaps not taking that break will earn the childless a quicker promotion, an overall higher salary. They'll need it to pay for their nursing home, where they'll die alone.
• I also respect stay at home moms. I've seen first hand how awesome it is to have a parent home when you get back from school, who cooks, who's there to help you with homework and play games and take you to the park and teach you things. Perhaps in our family there wasn't much choice in the matter; perhaps in another situation, I would have been a latchkey kid, but that's not what happened. My mom is highly educated, but by no means lazy. I don't think her education was wasted, by any means, as it gave her a great perspective to raise the 3 of us in. She also continued to pursue education and work throughout my childhood whenever it was possible; giving me (and my sisters) a fantastic example to live up to. So, if a family is able, through means or through sacrifice, to have a parent (male or female) stay home with their kids, I totally respect that! Kids get a lot out of this arrangement! It doesn't mean the at-home parent is any less intelligent or driven. They are just using their skills differently for the time being, and power to them!

So I guess my conclusion is that I am impressed with all three groups: one for multitasking, one for ambition and achievement, one for great love and parenting. I am also angry with the attitudes shown by all three: the working mothers could admit they are able to do less work and parenting as a result, but that that is okay by them; the childless ones could admit that children are a necessity and stop putting down everyone who has them, since these are the ones who will be taking care of them in their old age; and the stay at home parents could...I dunno, lose their inferiority complex and stand up proudly as full-time parents, I guess. That's my take.

For those who are like WTF Galina right now, I am concerned about these things because one day not too far away I will have to be making these decisions about my career and my family; I just hope I am strong enough to make them.

23.5 miles: The Survival Motivator

I've been coming up with a post regarding motivation, depression, and our role in society, but it kept turning out all-encompassing and too big, so here's the smallest part of it....it's about something I call the survival motivator.

The crux of it is this: my generation* (myself included), generally lacks the strong drive and work ethic that was present in previous generations, because we don't need to develop it to survive**. We have the luxury of wondering if we're doing the right thing with our lives, because we're not cranking through 12 hour jobs just to stay afloat. We have choices. And ironically enough, having those options (along with expectations and pressure to choose the right ones) is ultimately getting us down, getting in the way of us building stable, developed careers and lives. We either wonder if we're doing the right thing, or push off doing it, and in the process, nothing gets done!

[*and by "my generation" I really mean 'middle class, developed world']

[**and by "survive" I really mean, maintain a personally acceptable standard of living]

Exhibit A: a student in the 1970's didn't have the internet. To write a 5 page paper on [insert subject], he or she would have had to go to the library to look up the material in books and articles. Perhaps, the correct material would not be available, then a book would need to be ordered from another library. Furthermore, typing their paper up would require several drafts, each of which would have to be retyped. A student in the 1970's did not have the option of procrastinating on his/her paper until the night before and downloading a dozen articles from the online database. Or at least, I imagine this is how it was, seeing as I know no one who went to school back then in the US. Maybe research papers were shorter, or less thorough results were required, but I seriously doubt the difference was as significant as the advantage technology gives us today. So the crux of it is: in order to survive (pass), the student would have to put in a much greater degree of effort and organization than we have to today. Which is baloney, and part of grade inflation. But I won't get into that now...but why is it that with so many more tools at our disposal we are not producing work at a significantly higher standard?

Exhibit B: An immigrant worker who works 16 hour days probably does not do it for enjoyment. I would bet it s a matter of survival. I also doubt he spends lots of time lamenting the situation of having to do this work to survive. Perhaps passively envying those that don't, like, "Hey, that would be nice," but not actively going "Why am I here? Is this the right career move? Am I happy with what this job is giving me?" It's just cut and dry in that situation.

Exhibit C: I feel like I was much more motivated before I got my greencard. It's bizzare. Unfathomable. It actually makes sense from the survival standpoint. For me in undergrad, survival meant, being able to stay in the US where all my friends were and not living in a box. To accomplish both, I needed to excel academically and build a work history to make myself extremely employable in spite of my international status when I got out of college. Being a girl helped. Being in engineering helped (always need engineers!). But good grades and extracurriculars and research and tutoring were all of tantamount importance as well (or at least, such was my perception). No one can fault you if you're the best; no one can deny you if you're the best. Someone has to give you a chance.

Then in senior year I got my greencard. It was great. I was excited. Then things went back to normal; I applied to graduate schools, did homework, designed design projects, went to work...but a strange thing started happening. I didn't want to work on making myself more employable after college. I wanted to go to summer camp and relaxwork and explore another side of myself and work on my health...all sorts of BS. I had that luxury now. I could try a job outside my field. I could explore. I could waste a little time. I didn't have to be the most employable engineer out there (especially going into grad school...).

I've never quite shaken that feeling...that it's not crucial anymore. That nothing is the end of the world. That things can be allowed to slide. Which is great and all, but leaves me grasping for a new way to motivate myself to do things besides overwhelming guilt that I should, because I'm capable of it and I have the resources, etc.

It's a type of focus that I end up lacking; the sense that I'm on a path and it's a good path and it's the only path and I need to stay on it. There's so many other paths available maybe one of them is better! I know for a fact I'm not the only one; I hear similar problems from my friends every day. But I know there are people out there who don't have this problem. People who are fighting for survival, taking what they can get, and finding joy in the simple things. Sure they have ups and downs, but they don't fill their heads with existential nonsense. "Why am I this person? Why do I have these flaws?" has about as much value in that setting as "Why does the universe exist? Why are its laws such as they are?" Even if you determine an answer, there's not much you can do to change it.

As Strugatzkie once said, "Трудно быть богом." [It's hard to be a god.]

{Disclaimer: I can see it coming "I'm sure the person hiding in a ditch, staring up at the guerrilla mobster who just shot their wife and children is very satisfied with their life." Which is really not what I'm getting at. I'm getting at Pioneers, who worked their asses off, but probably still had fun and less existential crises because everyone was a farmer and they couldn't just quit and get a new job any ole time because their families had to eat. I'm getting at people who moved their families to another country, and had to succeed because they'd already put everything they had into this move. I guess ultimately I'm saying we should all be grateful for the easy lives we have, get our collective noses back to the grindstone, and see if we can't further revolutionize our world. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to Facebook while I Google, and then get 3 hours of sleep.}

10.1 miles: Know Thyself or My Life is Like a Zillion-page Paper

I've read a lot of advice columns, blogs, and lists; and went to a couple talks, regarding creating systems for doing the things you wish you did, but never seem to be able to establish in your life. I've tried some of them.

There's writing things down. There's doing things at the same time every day. There's not missing more than (1, 2, 3) days in a row. There's doing things first thing in the morning. There's doing things in a class or group or with a buddy. There's starting out slow. There's starting out fast. There's eliminating 'bad' things entirely; there's giving yourself small treats. Some advice is contradictory. Some is centered on morning people. None of it ever seemed to work for me...

This 1000 mile challenge is working wonders so far...so, why? Why am I excited about this, instead of resigned (which I was every other time a workout plan remotely worked for me?) Here's my theory.

I realized earlier this year that the usual time-management and organization advice, to create a schedule and a routine, doesn't work for me. I've never liked schedules...they make me want to rebel against them. Well, that's not entirely true. I like having a few things in my schedule that relate to other people...class, lab meeting, coffee date, delivering drawings to the machine shop; they get me out of bed in the morning. The reason for me to be there, then, is largely that others expect my presence.

On the other hand, when it comes to individual tasks, I need enough time to be flexible, to make mistakes and to catch up. At the same time, I need to feel crunched...crunch time for homework begins 2 days before the due date (flexible depending on class). Crunch time for a paper or presentation begins a week before. Crunch time for running 1000 miles begins...now! A better analogy is actually that running 1000 miles in a year is like a whole semester of class; one week, or one assignment, can be made up by performance on other weeks or assignments. The difference is that I know I can do an assignment passably in 2 days or write a paper in a week. It usually involves several continuous hours each day, though. I am equally aware that I can't run several continuous hours in a row.

So, where does that leave me? I can't measure my exercise in minutes per day, or even miles per day. I can't measure my process. By the same token, I can't measure a side effect; I can't measure my health in pounds, or by how many pounds I can lift... I need a task. I need a challenge. I need to run 1000 miles. I need to climb 10,000 feet. I need to accomplish something.

I think this is important to know about myself; about how I can motivate myself. Now to figure out how this applies. Hmmm... :)

2.5 miles

Took me about 30 minutes. Need to work on that pace! :P Besides that...things are pretty good I guess.

TODOLIST:

One presentation and one final exam before the end of the semester.

Need to figure out summer registration requirements, register for fall classes.

Need to turn in my 'change to direct PhD' petition.

Research. Lots of it.

Bills.