Resolution #2: Nix the snooze button.

Okay, I admit it. I just think there's too many things out of my control right now that I can't get up tomorrow and start a New Life. I don't know what's to blame for my lack of self control. Could be my upbringing, my diet, college, my friends (surely not!), or maybe, just maybe, it's my humanity. Thanks, Pat's-voice-of-reason-in-my-head.

So, I will resolve, this year, to make resolutions in sequence. When I accomplish one to my satisfaction, then and only then will I move on to the next.

Resolution 1: no flash games: consider it completed. :) I have barely thought about it for all 11 days of January (though I have on a few occasions). Basically it's getting boring just working on this one.

So, we move on to Resolution 2: Get up without using the snooze button. Or rather, snooze the alarm but get up before it goes off. 9 minutes. I can do this. Even if I fail the first few times. Basically, 2 hour snoozes have become the norm and cause me lots of self-kicking and guilt associated with that. And it's ineffective. So, no matter what the reason for choosing a wake-up time, I WILL get up when I decide.

Thoughts for a New Year...

"Break" is almost over, and it's been a good one. I managed to forget about school and work, relax, enjoy time with family and friends, get some reading done, and start thinking about myself and my life without disgust and disappointment. I have yet to analyze last semester and myself fully and create resolutions for this year or at least the near future on this basis. However, I have managed to accept a few thoughts thus far:

1) Flash games are the Devil. Quite literally; they tempt you and they suck you in and you trade your life for them and get nothing back. Incidentally, I am done with those!!! There are better ways even to waste time than playing those silly things. Granted, quitting cold turkey is a terrible idea, so I'm giving myself a loophole: if I genuinely want to play a specific game, over the weekend, when I have free time, I can still do that. So Motherload and Arcuz may still be in my life, but a whole lot less and in a way that does not take me away from work or studying.

2) Commit more [resources] to my health. I value my health in principle but I don't stand behind that principle, ever. I plan to get a few sessions with a personal trainer, maybe sign up for a class I'm genuinely interested in--a martial arts class or dancing, probably some yoga. I need to listen to my body's cues for eating and sleeping, too. Even when they're contradictory.

3) Focus. I've been pondering this for a while... I've been trying to multitask for years and the quality of my thinking has steadily declined. I need to relearn how to stay focused on one task, and the only way to learn that is to do it. So I'm going to start turning off IM and background movies when I'm studying, reading, etc.

4) Contact. I need to keep more of it with various branches of my family. I think it goes fairly well with friends; not ideally of course, but decently. I'm not entirely satisfied with Facebook, IM, and the very rare occasional phone call, but there are more pressing issues so I won't get my panties in a knot about it. Maybe later. I'll focus on those who SHOULD hear from me often but don't. If anyone is interested, the plan is to call family in Russia Saturday mornings, Sunday if that doesn't work out. Stupid time zones.

5) Positive hobbies. One of the things that comes to mind first about great people is that they are productive no matter if they're working or resting. I'm not planning to take up an interest in opera or Impressionist art, but I can focus my time on things that will genuinely help me develop as a person or create tangible benefits. I can read--I've taken it up and found I have missed it greatly--instead of watching one TV show after another. I'm not terribly picky about what I read exactly, anything will be fine, as long as I can say I'm a reader again. I can focus on one craft project at a time so that I actually finish them. I can use some of the time I have to read up on things in my field that interest me for fun. I can keep up with the news.

I've heard people like lists of 5 so I'll stop there, but I'm still thinking. I feel the need to take alone time in a pleasant environment (e.g. coffeeshop) to do some serious self-analysis, but that hasn't been possible yet. Once that happens I'll probably post a list of the key resolutions and/or goals for this year.

Building a Reputation

One of the things that genuinely sucks about starting in a new place: all the work you did to build up your persona in the old place is gone. Can't depend on it anymore. I have to prove once again that I am smart, persistent, analytical. And I have to get over my fear of speaking up. It's easy to speak up when you have aces in your corner. It didn't take me long at camp--I had graduated summa cum laude from college, en route to grad school in Aerospace. I was humble--I hadn't done their job before, after all--but as far as overcoming myself, I had a lot to draw on, by comparison to 18-19 year old (sorry) kids.

At IIT it took me about 2 years to gauge my classmates to the point where I could say "If I don't get this, no one does" and ask my question. Whereas starting grad school, it was more like "I don't get this, am I a dumbass?" and then not want to ask anything, hoping that when I get home and look at my textbook it'll all make sense. You know how the saying goes "Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."

It will happen in time, but that time passes with some degree of suffering.

Rebuttal of anti-body-scanner arguments & musings on national security.

I felt the need to become informed, since I would probably be flying back from Cali within a month. It basically made me pissed off at all the arguments about the body scanners that I had read in the past few weeks.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's necessary. I don't know if it's going to help. Then again, every security measure is a hassle until you're on the one plane with the guy with the bomb. And then you wonder...could something have been done to prevent this? You know, in between praying for your life and being scared witless. Conversely, 1 to 200 million odds seem pretty good, until you're the 1. And then you wonder, maybe it was that body scanner? Or maybe the hours I spent on the computer/cellphone/airplane/etc?

I don't support the body scanners. That's not what this is about. This is about the arguments people put up against them that I don't respect. Also, about the people that buy a ticket, walk into the airport, and start going through security, only to cause a giant fuss. (http://johnnyedge.blogspot.com/2010/11/these-events-took-place-roughly-between.html) So lets start with that.

Protesting in the airport. At times likened to Rosa Parks and the Montgomery Bus Boycott.

I haven't actually flown since these have been implemented; all I know is from stories like the one above. And I realize there aren't that many of those out there. Regardless, my opinion follows. I understand having a strong opinion about this. I understand wanting to take a stand and make a point and all that. If you really seriously 100% care as much as African Americans in Montgomery did about their buses--DON'T FLY. Do you care enough to give that up? Rosa Parks' arrest started the bus boycott, but the only reason it WORKED was because that entire community (or enough of it to make a good dent), did not ride buses for 11.5 months. And that was their main source of transportation. They made enough of a dent in the city's pocket that it was a concern. Money drives the world. If airlines lose significant business over this, they'll pressure everyone involved to come up with a better solution. So, if you want to make a fuss, at least be ready to follow through, that's all I'm saying. Pay your fines, do your jail time, and most of all, give up flying.

If you care, but not THAT much, there's always angry letters to TSA and Washington, protest rallies, etc. Just don't make a fuss in the airport and give some poor TSA employees a headache to take home to their kids. It generates more frustration than it resolves. Oh, and it doesn't make you badass.

Safety.

As far as we can tell now, it's safe. The same is true for our electronics. The difference being that you use your cell phone and computer virtually every day, and you only get scanned every time you fly. IT IS NOT AN XRAY like you get at the doctor or dentist. The radiation dosages are significantly lower. You would need to get scanned several hundred times to be exposed to as much x ray radiation as you get when you fly in the airplane itself. Even more to measure up to your medical xrays. You even get irradiated every day, on the ground, no matter what you are doing. So please, don't use radiation dosages as an excuse, unless you're willing to give up at least the voluntary radiation sources.

A better argument I've seen/heard is the concern over what happens when these devices malfunction. With a high probability, someone gets hurt. Then again, all technology from lightbulbs to microwave ovens to airplanes to nuclear power plants has that potential. As well as safeguards against it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think there would ever be a body scanner breakdown incident. Life is risk, and the risk here is not significantly greater than with any other device (including medical devices, by the way!)

In summary, again, if you are arguing against the safety of these devices, what other technologies are you willing to give up to minimize your radiation exposure?

Privacy.

How is a TSA agent significantly different than a doctor in terms of their relationship to your body? It's their professional obligation to pat you down or look at your body scan. More likely than not (esp considering the state of America's health), they don't want to touch you any more than you want them to touch you. If you do have a hot bod, chances are they just experience less displeasure at the touching, rather than experiencing pleasure; they'll do that when they call their sweetie after work. And if, on the off chance, your TSA security person is a perv...how well do you know your doctor?

As for the images, they are viewed by someone in a separate room who does not see your face or know your name. Someone who sees hundreds of these images every day. Vaguely human-shaped white blobs. How much attention, exactly, do you think your body is getting? Only enough to determine if it has black blobs on it, which might be dangerous to others.

TSA claims (repeatedly) that the images are not saved anywhere. If, for whatever reason, they are or will be saved, we basically have much deeper underlying issues in our society than can even begin to be fixed by getting rid of these machines. Also, sue their butts off.

Note: I realize that different people have different concepts of modesty and privacy and different reasons for them. My definition is largely practical; it is considered inappropriate in society to display or touch certain regions of the body, so I don't. In the absence of these norms; any reticence or embarrassment I would have about undress would be strictly habitual, not moral. I reiterate, I realize others may have other reasoning, in which case, the options (as I see them) are discussed above.

In conclusion...

There are good arguments against these things out there. Most of them have nothing to do with the machines, and a lot more to do with the necessity argument. There are many much more gaping security threats in our country than commercial aircraft. There are other potential terrorist targets that have never been subject to such scrutiny or security measures. Ideally, we would be able to prepare for the unexpected, the unprecedented attacks. However, the methodology involved in that is...unclear. So we stick with what we know; we defend against the thing that has hurt us the most in recent memory. And that is why flying is a pain in the ass.

Beef with PEAR?

I may have to call this recipe "bear buckwheat" (beef + pear? get it?)

Take...

1 small steak (palm size, 1/4 in thick)

1/2 pear

1-2 slices of a medium onion

1/3 c buckwheat groats

and a few pinches of...

ginger

cinnamon

brown sugar

salt

pepper

1) Prepare buckwheat (2/3 cup water + dash salt, microwave 5 min hi, 10 min med, 10 min lo.)

2) Slice up pear and beef into 1/4-1/2 in cubes. Chop onions.

3) Throw beef into skillet on hi. Quickly follow with onions and pear.

4) Stir fry, eventually spicing with a little of everything.

5) Pour stir fry over bowl of buckwheat and enjoy :)

Serves 1.

Work-School-Life Balance

Leave the office at the office, turn off the smartphone, check your email once or twice a day instead of constantly, leave your weekends to yourself (and not your boss). They typical advice for finding a little calm and peace in a hectic working world.

But what about grad school?

My dad is in academia...a strange, national lab brand of academia, but academia nonetheless. He is a bona fide expert in his narrow field, does things no one else can, publishes papers (or at least he once did), and on the rare occasion gets "we'll do anything!" job offers. I respect all this immensely.

At the same time, I'm in a place where I can see his lifestyle...he's a total night owl and refuses the 9-5 paradigm, even in the semi-"real" job he has held for about a year (you know, the kind with bosses and meetings and offices and all that jazz.) He likes to work at home when he can, but he also rarely truly leaves work for that reason...i.e. he brings home coding, reading, email-sending, and god knows what to do after dinner and even on weekends. There's no home/work separation and at times I can see that wears on him. He's passionate about his work; one of the reasons that leaving it at the office isn't an option, and as an academic, his approach is "do everything I can and succeed," rather than "do what I get paid for." This is good or bad...on the one hand, people with that mindset accomplish more. On the other, I think it sets the stage to be under-appreciated.

Why do I bring all this up? Well, essentially, his approach has greatly influenced many of my own feelings about work and school, which I've been fighting to reconcile.

Strangely enough, or maybe not at all, I didn't think about "in college, my parents..." when I was in college. Same in high school. And even if I did, it didn't influence my perception of what I should be doing, because their school experiences had been in a different place as well as a different time. They never took SAT's or AP classes, never wrote college application questions or worried if they'd be able to pay for it. They took insanely difficult entrance exams, passed, and had housing and a stipend provided for them. Not piles of riches, but no undergrad school loan debt, either. They had classes and labs 9-5 that they sometimes didn't go to with homework and studying afterwards, had 6 years of university instead of 4, and essentially got something akin to a master's degree in the bargain. On some things I can relate to them; on others, not so much. The main thing I took away from their experiences: study hard, because you're not studying as hard as we did but don't let that be your whole life: have good fun with good friends while you're young enough to have it.

Grad school is different. I remember my dad starting grad school. And finishing, too. We never talked about dad "going to school." He was always "going to work." There are marked differences: he'd had more years of education at a tougher institution, then a few years of work, at least one of which was as an assistant professor at the same institution he was starting to attend (don't ask). Apparently he had some courses transferred and was able to complete the rest of his coursework in a year. He came to do research, on a specific topic with a specific person, not to study. He was working on physics, not engineering. He had a family. Those are just a few.

I don't feel like much has changed with my life since undergrad. I'm still in school, albeit with a few more perks. Less classes, an office, no tuition, a stipend, etc. On the other hand, harder classes, and an expectation of doing research.

It should feel and be treated more like work. And I'm not treating it that way. Research still seems secondary on my plate of things to do. It's not much different from other students I've met that are in the same place, i.e. coming out of undergrad. Some are more focused on research and more independently motivated to work on it...some are still in the beginning stages like I am.

So basically, I'm looking for the right approach...the proper balance between sleeping in and enjoying the perks of being an adult...and becoming self-motivated and getting work done.

I work in lab with guys who are morning people (I think) and are down there like, 8-6 or so. I think (a) the lab is crowded so I stay up in the office and (b) I can get reading of papers done just as well sitting at home on my couch (or bed, which is more comfy). The thing is, when my dad did this, he got things done. I don't.

I guess I'm to continue looking for that balance of spending time at school and working at home. Find the tasks that work best in each environment. Spend more time at school once I start having hands-on labwork. In the meantime, the to-do list awaits: 2 homework assignments due next week, a fellowship application due Tuesday, and a project in my hardest class. A student's work is never done!

Pepperjack Mac and Cheese!

...because easymac just doesn't cut it anymore.

*note* measurements are approximate. I just did what felt right.

1/4 package (4 oz) whole wheat shells pasta

2 pats of butter

1/4 cup of whole milk

1/3-1/2 cup grated pepperjack cheese*

2/3-1 cup other cheese (monterrey jack & italian blend)*

*my "spicy/nonspicy" ratio was about 1-3, maybe even 1-4

1) Make pasta to taste.

2) Lower heat to low. Add butter, then milk, mixing each into pasta.

3) Once pasta is coated with butter/milk mixture, add cheese mix.

4) Mix thoroughly.

Time: 10-15 minutes.

Makes 2 real servings or 1 hungry serving. :)

Why?

Over the past 5 weeks, I have come to some realizations:

i) I don't know how to read papers [effectively].

ii) I'm 'behind' according to my usual standards due (I think) to changing schools. [On a side note, I hate obnoxious overachievers who do routine AE 412 HW in LaTeX and get 100% on it! Taking pride in your work is one thing, but....really?]

iii) I don't know how to ask good questions. This isn't news, but it's more of a problem now than ever. Half of research is figuring out your topic; that comes from asking questions that are important to you.

iv) I still have very few, if any good friends besides the ones that came with me.

v) I seem to have more 'bad' days than good.

vi) I still fall back on frozen pizza, Jimmy John's sandwiches (on white bread), and sushi (with white rice.)

vii) I eat out a lot.

On more positive notes:

i) New school supplies make me excited about school!

ii) I am for the most part, financially independent for the first time in my life.

iii) While I am having to work at my schoolwork, I am far from failing.

iv) While I can't ask questions, I'm here (in grad school) because I enjoy searching for answers.

v) While I have no close friends yet, I have generally gotten friendly responses from people I've talked to.

vi) I have eliminated white flour and rice from my kitchen.

vii) Although I have the income to eat out, I make about half my meals at home.

viii) I've been home to see family and been to Chicago to see friends.

ix) I have kept up a 3x a week or more workout schedule for a month (until last week when I felt crappy) and will take that up again this week.

x) I've been waking up before noon all days of the week (I think)!

The Mission....

It was unsettling, descending for the first time into the dark world of the Grainger Basement. I didn't know what to expect. Sure, the staircase was still its jolly yellow color and the sconces mounted on the bright blue walls or inset into the ceiling did just as fine a job lighting my way as the daylight from 20-ft windows...and yet...it seemed darker, and my footsteps echoed on the narrowing, empty stairs. Tall, stern bookshelves arose in front of me, as did hallways bathed in twilight extending to either side.

On a whim, I chose the left fork, exploring tentative step by tentative step, until a bright light at the end of the hallway drew my eyes. "Engineering Workstations" proclaimed the sign bolted to the wall by a set of glass double-doors. Inside...

Inside, I found easily fifty dual-screen machines, over half of them in use by students. Upon logging in with my usual ID and password, I found them running GNOME and chock full of software--Firefox, Pidgin, Matlab, ProE, Mathematica...anything an engineering student could want!

Quickly and easily*, I accessed Gmail and printed my homework set. Mission accomplished!

(*actually, it initially got lost in a stack of someone else's printed papers, so I had to print it twice...and of course as soon as I printed the second, I found the first *roll eyes* but that wasn't really the lab's fault.)

Green Living!

After being in Champaign a week, I feel like I'm in one of those mythical "green towns." No, it's not perfect by any means, but in what I consider a "small" city (Champaign and Urbana have a joint population just over 100,000) it is amazing how many "green" developments there are.

The moment it hit me, I was biking into school when I passed under the train tracks with an Amtrak whooshing by overhead; how much stereotypical does it get?

Other signs include an efficient and widely used fleet of buses (some of them hybrids!), prolific farmer's markets, solar trash compactors at the university, and bike racks everywhere, for example by the supermarkets and apartment buildings.

Like I said, it's not perfect. There aren't many bike lanes, although on the smaller and less-used streets this isn't much of a problem. Many of the buildings--both campus and residential--are old and therefore did not consider resource efficiency in their design. There are no solar-panel or wind-turbine roof-mountings that I've seen; but there is a recycling program.

I also realize that "green-ness" isn't the reason most use public transportation. On the small streets near the university during rush hour...it's hell to navigate with a car, and if the time difference in your commute is around 5-10 minutes between driving and taking a bus...better save those $400 and not buy a parking pass. For many, a $100...even a $300 bike is cheaper than a $10,000 car. It's simple economics...

And yet...maybe the fact that it's easier to get around with bikes and buses than with a car in this town is a good sign? Maybe that's what we should aim for--not getting people to be green in spite of the competition, but because it's the easy or economical thing to do? That's a kind of "green" movement I can believe in.